Cigarette And Lavender(Halfway Edited)|| Salvis || Sally Face ||

41

Travis' pov

One month later

As I paid for the bouquet of delicate blue flowers I couldn't help notice the newspapers lined up beside the register.

My father's name was printed in dark ink on the front, I quickly grabbed it and laid it beside the flowers before the cashier checked it out.

I sighed at the pitying looks of the other customers. The small bell on the entrance rang above my head as I pushed through the door. I hastily unfolded the paper and let my eyes scan over its contents.

Kenneth Phelps, previous minister of the local Phelps ministries, was charged with one count of second degree murder and two counts of felony child abuse on the 28th of January. He was pronounced dead at 7:46 this morning after being found hung in his cell.

My eyes began to flood with tears as I crumpled it in my hands and threw it to the ground. How come he gets the easy way out? I had to live through torture for over ten years and Sal had to experience a brutal beating from a man he didn't even know, but the second my father faces any consequences he offs himself, quick and easy.

I threw the flowers to the ground in anger and began to stomp on them as hard as I could. Its not fair, it was never fair.

The tears spill over the edges of my eyes as I realized what I'd done. I balled my hand into a fist, I drove it into the side of my head repeatedly.

"Stupid, Stupid, stupid" I muttered to myself.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and fixed my hair before I trudged back into the store in search of another bouquet.

~~~

My knees were shaky from the long walk as I approached the grave. I fell to my knees in front of it and stared at the somewhat fresh mound of dirt.

They had to take him off of life support, the doctor said he wasn't going to make it because the trauma to his head caused brain clots.

It wasn't fair, none of it was. It wasn't fair that Sal had to go through that. Tears brewed in my eyes as I thought about the fact that the last thing Sal felt was fear. I wish I could go back and tell him how much I loved him.

After all these years I had finally understood what love truly was but I had never found the courage to say it and it was ripped away from me before I could even understand it. I didn't know if I'd ever find that with another person and I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I glanced around the cemetery as I began dwelling on the night he followed me through here, all the way to Phil's grave. That was the first time I opened up to him and I'd give anything to go back.

I felt like such an idiot for wasting so much time pretending to hate him just because I was scared of my sexuality, but at the same time I wished I could go back and never talk to him because he wouldn't be dead now if it wasn't for me.

The tears blurred my vision as I stared at the photo presented on the plaque that was stuck into his grave. The headstone wasn't ready yet, it wouldn't be for another two months.

There was an assortment of flowers perched on the fresh dirt. I gently laid mine down next to the others. "I don't know if I really believe in an afterlife, but if there's any way you can hear me I'm sorry" I said aloud.

"There's so much I want to tell you but I don't think I can find the words for all of it, I wish I would've done more to protect you from him but I became reckless, I didn't think about the fact that he could've returned at any point," I paused as my voice broke. I aggressively wiped away the tears that wouldn't stop clouding my vision.

"I loved you and I still do, but I wish I didn't, it would make all of this so much easier, if I'd never had talked to you we probably wouldn't even be in this situation, but I don't regret it one bit, I would go back and relive every single day of it if it meant that I'd get to see you again" I paused "if it meant id get to love you again," I confessed as I laid on my side staring at the grave.

"I just wish I'd told you how I really felt sooner, I wish I'd never treated you the way I did," I whispered clutching the grass. "I wish you were still here, there's so much I want to tell you, there's so much that's changed in this last month," I let out a sob muffled by the sleeve of the hoodie he'd left at my house.

"My dad's gone and I sold the ministry to help pay for your headstone, I also sold my old house to pay for an apartment that I'm sharing with Emile, I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, your dad finally went to rehab for his drinking, I put the dope down after my overdose, and me and Larry are actually getting along like you always wanted, I just wish you could be here to see all of it, it's weird how things always stayed the same but now that your gone it feels like it's changing too fast for me to process and it feels like I'm clawing at the last bit of normalcy left in my life,"

"I debated ending it after your funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to Emile, when I saw her after I recovered from my overdose she looked almost as bad as she did when Phil died, I don't think I could ever put her through the pain of losing another brother," I paused

"Speaking of that, Emile's parent's adopted me," I laughed through tears. "I wish you could've met them, they're like the best people I know,"

"I love you and I'm sorry for everything that I didn't do and I'm sorry for everything that I did do, I just wish this pain would stop but I guess I'd rather feel this than being completely numb"

"I just wish you were still here with me, and we could lay in your bed and you'd lay your head on my chest and I'd call you pretty and you'd turn away because you never believed me despite the amount of times I told you" Another sob ripped through my chest "I wish I could run my fingers through your hair once more and hold you tight and tell you everything I wish I'd had the courage to say,"

I ran my finger over his prosthetic that laid before his plaque. "I know I'm going to have to leave before this sends me into another episode, Emile already has to deal with enough of me, but I don't want to leave, I'd stay here and talk to you forever if I could" I whispered before hesitantly pushing myself to my knees.

I laid a gentle kiss to the tip of my fingers before softly pressing it to the picture on his plaque. I stood up and stared at the grave, it didn't feel real, none of it did.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and messaged Emile asking her to pick me up now.

I found a bench and took a seat on the cold metal. After everything, I wished the pain would go away but I soon realized that it was my heart's way of telling me I had found what I was looking for, I had found that love and that bond that I spent so many years yearning for, I just never had the courage to really reach out and grab it.

I knew that this was only a phase of the cycle that is life. I knew that I'd love and I'd lose a thousand more times, and I didn't know how to feel about it. But for once in my life I found a reason to keep going, if not for me then for him.

~~~

Travis Phelps now understood love. He felt the warmth all around him everyday.

'I love you' were the three words he wished he'd spoke.