Subtle Steps in Solitude is a poignant exploration of a young woman's journey through life's mundane routines and unexpected challenges. Priscilla "Cici" Tan is a 28-year-old financial adviser, seemingly content with her structured, solitary existen...
I stood in front of my closet, staring blankly at the array of perfectly pressed blouses, skirts, and pants. Each piece hung in neat, color-coordinated rows, a reflection of the order I imposed on my life. But today, none of it seemed right. I felt a strange dissonance between the image I had carefully curated for years and the unease gnawing at me from within.
Maybe it was the conversation with Joshua that had stirred something, a subtle shift in how I saw myself. Or perhaps it was just the weight of my new responsibilities at work bearing down on me, coupled with the constant pressure from Ma, who never seemed satisfied with anything I did, no matter how hard I tried.
"Cici, why are you just standing there?" I could almost hear Ma's voice in my head, sharp and critical. She always had something to say, some way to point out my flaws, to remind me that I was never enough.
I reached for a navy blouse, then paused, my hand hovering over the fabric. Memories of my younger years flooded back unbidden, a time when life was less about meeting expectations and more about carefree moments.
*****
Back in secondary school, I was a different person. Sure, I was still a good student—Ma wouldn't have had it any other way—but I wasn't as obsessed with being perfect. I had friends, a social life, and I even dabbled in a bit of mischief, though nothing too serious. My weekends were filled with mall outings, movie marathons, and the occasional beach day with friends. I lived in the moment, and it felt... liberating.
But that all changed as I approached my O-Levels. The closer I got to the exams, the more intense Ma became. She was always hovering, scrutinizing every detail of my life. "Priscilla, you can't afford to waste time with your friends. Do you want to end up like those who didn't make it to JC?" she would say, her tone laced with disdain.
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I remember one particular day during the December holidays before Sec 4, when I was out with some friends at VivoCity. We were in the middle of watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse when my phone buzzed incessantly. I had silenced it, determined to enjoy the day without interruptions, but the vibrations wouldn't stop. Finally, during a lull in the film, I checked my messages.
"Where are you? Have you done your Chemistry revision for today?" It was my Chemistry teacher, and ironically, also my mother.
Ma's text was short and curt, devoid of any warmth or concern. Just a stark reminder of what she expected from me.
My heart sank. I knew what would happen if I ignored her. She'd probably call the police, thinking I was missing. So, reluctantly, I left the theater and called her back.
"Yes, Ma. I'm at the mall with some friends," I said, trying to sound casual, though I knew it wouldn't fool her.
"At the mall? Cici, do you know how crucial this time is? Your O-Levels are just months away! How can you be so irresponsible?" Her voice was shrill, a mixture of anger and disappointment that cut through me like a knife.
