we meet again? | B.E

twelve

i woke up to billie pressing kisses all over my face. when she saw that my eyes were open and smiled brightly.

"morning, baby" i smiled. "good morning" she said in a sing song voice, "how'd you sleep?" i asked, she shrugged. "you?" i shrugged as well. I rolled over and checked the time on my phone, it was 8:30. i moved to get up and get ready for the day, but she dragged me back down. 

"let's just wait a little" she mumbled, moving to lay on top of me again. i pressed a small kiss to her forehead and wrapped my arms around her. after what couldn't have been more than half an hour, ezra bursted through the door and yelled that the sun was up so we had to get up too.

billie sighed dramatically and rolled off of me, plopping onto her back and putting her hand on her forehead. "c'mon! i'm hungry!" ezra yelled, "let's get ready first, and then we can eat, okay?" i asked. she nodded, and i brought her into my bathroom to brush her teeth. i brushed mine as well and did the rest of our morning routine. 

after we left the bathroom, billie went in and did her stuff too, we waited for her just like ezra had insisted. bil came out of the bathroom and ezzy ran straight over to her, billie picked her up and we made our way downstairs.

"ez, what do you want to eat?" i asked her, she thought for a moment. "cereal?" she asked, "okay" i replied, and moved into the kitchen to make the three of us our breakfasts. after that was done, i went into the living room to see what they were doing. billie was tickling her and ezra was giggling wildly. 

"i hate to break up the fun, but it's time to eat" i smiled, the two of them huffed and got up begrudgingly. they sat at the table, and i put more food and water in the dogs' bowls. i ate with them in silence, listening to their conversation.

as much as i hate to admit it, the weight on my chest was back. less heavy, yes, but it was still there, and that wasn't good. i rubbed my eyes, i slept like shit. i wasn't really hungry but it'd look weird if i didn't eat, so i played with my food and only ate about half before getting sick of it and throwing it away.

i got up and sat on the couch, scrolling through my phone for a while until i remembered that i needed to get groceries and all that vegan shit for billie. i ordered it and waited for it all to get here, the dogs were all playing, running around in circles. billie and ezra were doing something somewhere else in the house. i was completely alone.

nothing was really wrong, but i felt my eyes well up anyway. i drew in heavy breaths, trying to make the tears go away. i need to stop crying over nothing, but i couldn't. they kept coming and soon enough they were rolling down my cheeks. 

i sighed, defeated and went into the backyard to be even more alone then i already was inside. the dogs followed me, and zeus nudged me with his nose. i smiled sadly as i sat down against the brick of the house.

i cried for a little while, it felt nice to just let it out. i haven't cried in weeks, even though it's all i've been wanting to do. i don't like doing it in front of anybody, not billie, not my mom, not my brother, nobody.

it felt comforting to be by myself with the dogs. being alone was always my thing, it felt good. nobody could hurt me, or use my sadness or tears against me, because nobody was there. 

well at least that was the case, before the door opened and billie came outside. i wiped my eyes frantically and rested my elbow on my knee, hiding my face before she saw me. "why are you out here all by yourself?" she asked. i shrugged blandly.

"are you okay?" she questioned, putting her hand on the back of my head. i nodded, fighting back a sob.

nothing's wrong, don't be dramatic.

"talk to me, baby" she frowned, my throat closed up momentarily. "i'm okay, don't worry about me" i said, willing my voice into steadiness. she nodded, "let's go out for dinner when ezzy leaves" she smiled, "okay" i mumbled.

"speaking of ezzy, where is she?" i asked. "oh yeah, theo and vi are here, they wanted me to get you" she replied, i nodded. "i'll be there in a bit" i muttered, she pressed a kiss to my head and went back inside.

billie was here with me, and i'm still out here crying like a bitch. nothing is wrong in my life, and i still can't get my shit together. something must be wrong with me. normal people do not cry over nothing, do they? 

this felt wrong. billie shouldn't like me. i'm gross, and sad all the time, and something in my brain must be broken. she should not  like me. i don't know what i did to deserve her, but i do know that she did nothing wrong to deserve me. i'm putting her through too much, and soon, she'll crack. just like i did, and she'll hate me forever because it'll all be my fault.

nobody deserves to be treated the way that i treat her, i'm neglecting her, and she deserves to be loved by somebody. i love her, so very much, but she needs more than what i can give her.

wait. i love her?

it's too early for that, isn't it? we aren't even dating yet. it's too early to love her, but i do. and i have, since we were 15. is it supposed to be that way? i'm not sure. now that i think about it, i've never loved anybody in that way before. i said it to andrew because he said it to me first, but i really felt nothing for him. that can't be good, can it?

i felt all giddy at the start but it faded away, what if it's like that with billie? and i won't love her anymore and i'll start to treat her like shit. or even worse, what if she doesn't even love me at all, and she's staying with me just because.

that can't happen.

i need to leave first.

it's better to rip off the band-aid, then just tear it off slowly, right?

i snapped out of my thoughts just as i'd heard the door open again, this time it was theo. he frowned when he saw my face. "evie, what's wrong?" he asked gently, sitting beside me and wrapping one arm over my shoulder.

i let out a deep breath, "i think i love her" i mumbled. he shot me a look of confusion, "who?" he asked. "billie" i replied, sniffling. "so why are you crying? isn't that a good thing?" he asked. i shook my head, "i don't want to hurt her more than i already have. i'm stressing her out, she's gonna turn out just like me and she'll hate me for it." i said, my hands shaking. 

"eve, nothing's wrong with you at all. i know what you're thinking. you're perfect the way that you are, okay?" he said, rubbing my arm. i shook my head, that isn't true. "but what if she doesn't think that? what if she thinks that i'm just some charity case or something, then what?" i asked.

"that's a load of crap, evren, and you know it. don't be so hard on yourself, everybody that's stuck around loves you just how you are. there is nothing wrong with you." he said. i took in a shaky breath. "i love you, ezzy loves you, violet loves you, and i'm sure she does too." he smiled, kissing my temple. "thank you" i muttered, not believing half of what he just said.

"now c'mon, your girl's worried about you"

a/n, sorry for leaving yall starving again, im not doing too well and schools so draining and im trying to write in my free time but i just like scrolling mindlessly lmfao

i'll do my best to write more, love u all and please take care of yourselves.