Without You

9

Azriel

When I was born my life was seemingly perfect up until the age 5 when my parents died. I have vivid memories of them but the ones I do remember were great.

One accident that changed my life.

But not every tragedy leads to chaos sometimes tragedy leads to a new beginning.

A beginning where I met her.

She was perfect and she knew it.

Her laugh.

Her smile.

She was always out of my league I was constantly reminded about how she was better than me.

A perfect family.

Loving.

Picture perfect.

I was jealous of her in a way, the day when my life decided to turn upside down I made careless decisions just to get her out my head.

To get what I don't have out my mind.

Drugs.

One of the worst and best things that happened to me.

Don't get me wrong I want to stop I want to be better for her but its so hard especially when it's all I know, all I've allowed myself to know.

The pain I can feel it everywhere constantly. its a constant reminder of what I don't have, what I could be like, feel like if I weren't this way.

When I get high I feel...normal.

I feel myself.

I don't worry.

I don't care what people think.

Normal. 

But also chaotic.

I won't her to give up on me so bad, to relieve her of the pain I'm causing her. I know I promised her I will quit but its so hard when I have many sleepless nights and its the only thing I can think about. my only relief.

 She wanted to go back to her place for the night so we left mines and went to hers, I know she was worried about her mom that's why she wanted to go back, she didn't say the words but I know she meant them.

I love her so much, but the way I love her only causes her pain.

I

Only

Cause

Pain.

Its what I feel, the way she looks at me with so much emotion, so much hope. she looks at me like she can still see me. and for some reason it hurts, because I can't see myself, I lost myself a long time ago. she used to have such a fire about her. a spark, but its gone, and the thought that I'm the reason that her spark is gone hurts more than I can even imagine.

She's been distant.

And I know a thing or two about being distant.

If only she would tell me whats wrong. 

I know she's hurt that her sister is gone and her parents are gone, but I still can't help but think that its something else she's not telling me.

I take a deep breath and look at her. she's asleep her hair sprawled against the pillow her breaths are labored. 

I watch her chest go up and down, she looks so peaceful.

But I guess we all do when we're sleeping.

Sleeping is the closest thing I get to death.