Tumblr's Guide to the Emo Trinity

If I Fought This Pop Punker, Would I Win?

Brendon Urie

End Fight Probability: There is a -10% chance Brendon Urie knocks you out.

Don't fight Brendon Urie. Sure, if you do you'll probably whoop his ass, but you won't feel good about it. If the guilt doesn't set in after seeing his trouty mouth blubbery tears the follow up album will definitely make you feel like a terrible person.

Ryan Ross

End Fight Probability: There is a 110% chance Ryan Ross knocks you out.

"Why so high?" you ask? Ryan Ross hasn't eaten in years yet he won't die, he never bathes yet supermodels hang out with him constantly. Don't fight this man.

Jon Walker

End Fight Probability: There is a 25% chance Jon Walker knocks you out.

Fight Jon Walker. Fight him dirty. Make him suffer for his sins, make him repay the debt he owes me, send him back to hell where he belongs. Jon Walker murdered my son and slept with my mother, and he'll do the same to you if you're not careful.

Spencer Smith

End Fight Probability: ???????

Why would you ever want to fight Spencer Smith? Don't fight him.

Pete Wentz

End Fight Probability: There is a -500% chance Pete Wentz knocks you out.

FUCKING DECIMATE HIM. SHOW ABSOLUTELY NO MERCY. PETE WENTZ TOOK MY LIFE FROM ME, AND THAT'S MURDER. AVENGE ME.

Patrick Stump

End Fight Probability: You're a terrible terrible person

If you fight Patrick Stump I'll fight you.

Andy Hurley

End Fight Probability: There is a 100000% chance Andy Hurley knocks you out.

Thinking about fighting Andy Hurley actually just made me throw up and piss myself a little bit. Don't try it, don't even think about trying it. Besides, even if he wasn't a human tank, why would you want to fight such a sweet guy? Dude's a vegan. Come on, who doesn't love a big guy who cares about animals?

Joe Trohman

End Fight Probability: There is a 76% chance Joe Trohman knocks you out.

Joey boy here is the dark horse of the group, unexpectedly powerful. Don't fight him unless you're especially skilled and don't mind getting your ass beat. His hair is probably more powerful than you are.

Gerard Way

End Fight Probability: He won't fight you.

Gerard Way is full of passion but I doubt you'd ever find yourself in a situation where you'd have to fight him. If you tried to start a fight with him he'd probably just ignore you, if you kept pushing it he'd probably just take you out with a powerful left hook. Not really a fight.

Frank Iero

End Fight Probability: There is a 3% chance Frank Iero knocks you out.

Maybe it's just me but Frank Iero always looks like he's gunning for a fresh fight, I hate his stupid asshole face and I have no idea why. Fight him, you'll probably win and you won't feel bad about it.

Mikey Way

End Fight Probability: There is a -30% chance Mikey Way knocks you out but there's a 305% chance Gerard Way fucking decimates you.

Don't fight Mikey Way. There's a reason Gerard Way doesn't fight. He's like the Hulk, you won't like him when he's angry. Sure you could probably beat Mikey in 1v1, but you're literally never going to be able to do that. Pete Wentz might try and back him up too but he's not really anything to worry about, but Gerard is, so don't fight Mikey Way.

Ray Toro

End Fight Probability: There is a 100% chance Ray Toro knocks you out.

You'll get distracted by how weird this guy looks and he'll take you down easy, too easy. Also his self esteem will take a blow and you'll feel bad in an emotional sense even after the physical pain has worn off. Don't fight him.

Who would you fight? Please let me know. And if you have an tumblr post then PM me. I am open to ideas!