heather || spencer reid

xxviii -'R'-

*Heather's point of view*

"Ah! There you are!", Emily exclaimed, finding me sitting at her kitchen table.

"I made coffee for us, I hope that's okay.", I said as I passed her a warm mug.

"Thank you."

"No, Em, I have to thank you, for everything. I really needed to get away last night and yeah, thanks- for everything.", I said, grateful to have her as a friend.

"No problem. That's what friends are for, right? Did you sleep well, you look really tired.", she pointed out.

"I had too much on my mind, to be honest, but thanks for asking. What about you?"

"Well, Sergio slept with me so..", she laughed, right as her cat tapped into the kitchen to eat it's food.

"Breakfast before we head to work?", Em asked and I nodded.

-

"Okay, so, this Unsub here from Boston burns an 'R' on one of his victims legs,  before he kills them with multiple stabs in the heart. We have two victims, one male and one female, both around fifty years old.", Garcia said and I couldn't accept the fact that this Unsub was from Massachusetts , where I came from and that he marked them with an 'R'.

I felt Spencer's eyes on me but didn't want to look at him.

The team voiced theories as to what type of Unsub this could be and discussed his MO as well as the victimology.

I didn't hear them, my mind was blowing up.

"Heather?", Hotch asked, "do you have a theory?"

I looked at him, perplexed, shook my head and then excused myself, leaving the room.

Then I quickly ran through the bullpen, swinging the door of the toilets for women open, going into a stall and regurgitated.

I felt so nauseous all of a sudden, so sick.

I flushed and closed the door behind me, then I looked into the mirror on the wall to see my make up was ruined and turned on the faucet.

When my cupped hands were filled with cold water, I brought them to my now tear-stained face.

He held my head down in the water, wanting my lungs to fill themselves with it.

After a while of trying to wriggle out of his arms and trying to free myself in despair, i couldn't do it anymore.

My injuries were aching and i breathed in the water, wanting this to find an end.

//

I wanted to drown the pain, since I couldn't handle it anymore, so when I laid there in the bathtub, all alone, I asked myself; why was I doing this to myself, why was I still living this life?

I closed my eyes, going underwater, slowly putting up with the fact that I didn't want this anymore. I felt how I needed to breathe again right when Spencer came in and fished me out.

"There you are!", Garcia said relieved, finding me sobbing, the faucet still running.

She turned it off and hugged me, I shook my head no and tried to get her hands off of me panicky, everything was burning and felt like bleeding again. Pictures of the monsters touching me coming back into my mind, the darkest ones which I had tried to suppress.

Spencer had promised. He had promised to protect me but how could he when this was all in my head?

The demons had wandered into my head and didn't want to leave again, ensconced into my brain like fat revolting bugs.

Spencer had promised to stay with me throughout everything, and now that I needed him most, he wasn't there. He had promised.

*Spencer's point of view*

I was asking Morgan and JJ about if Heather had said anything to them and if they knew where she was.

"Sorry but I have no idea, Genius.", Morgan said.

"Did you two have a fight?", JJ asked and I nodded.

"What happened?", Morgan asked.

"I screwed things up.", I said, still regretting everything I did and said, this was all my fault. We had just barely twenty minutes left until we had to meet Hotch in the jet.

Garcia came to join us, looking overtaxed and whispered something in JJ's ear. Jennifer's eyes became wide and she asked, "Where is she?"

I knew that it was Heather they talked about, so I followed them, even though Morgan had tried to detain me.

The door of the women's restrooms was swung open by Garcia, JJ and I stood behind her.

Both of the girls rushed to Heather's side on the floor and I stood frozen in the door frame, staring at Heather, who was scratching her skin sore, her arms and her stomach, rammed her flat hands against her jeans and then held her hands, that were now balled up into fists, against both of her temples.

"Make it stop, p-please make it stop.", she begged, crying.

JJ tried to take her hands into hers and calm her with saying that everything was fine and that she was safe.

Heather however kept begging us to make it stop and I kept looking at her, blaming myself for it, whatever it was.

She was scared of him or rather them. And she saw them inside of me.

I had been able to touch her and she had trusted me with what had happened to her but somehow, now, I didn't understand. I was bewildered, somehow feeling like I had experienced this before. This felt like a déjà-vu.

I made my way over to her, carefully sitting down on the tiled ground beside her.

"Heather, baby.", I whispered and both Garcia and JJ looked at me.

"It's me Spencer.", I continued, "and I just wanted to tell you that I am truly sorry. I love you Heather and I am not going to let them near you again, okay? Nobody is going to touch you like they did again."

She opened her eyes, and slowly calmed down, letting her hands be taken down by JJ who now sat down in front of Heather and Garcia sat down beside Jennifer, facing me.

"D-do you want me to call Dr. Reddison?", I asked Heather and she shook her head no.

She was completely quiet, calm, now, and looked at JJ who sat opposite her.

"I'm sorry.", she said, now regarding Garcia and then looking over to me, whispering it once again into my ear as she leaned her head on my shoulder.

"I'm okay now.", she tried to convince us.

"Heather? You can't go out there and catch Unsubs, you better stay with me back here in Quantico.", Garcia said but Heather slowly shook her head, not agreeing with that suggestion.

"Please don't make me stay home and go to therapy again, it makes me crazy.", she requested persistently.

"We won't.", JJ said, looking at me worriedly before adding, "and we won't tell Hotch.", she looked at Garcia now, this was a silent agreement that this would stay entre nous.