Marked

12|Jealousy|12

I walk into school with Alois on my hip. It wasn't like it was my idea either; he had been plastered to my side since Friday night at the party. Saturday afternoon he came over and tried to stay the night. I had sent him home. My space was my space.

After he left, I have began reading The Catcher in the Rye again. A specific paragraph caught me especially off guard.

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know."

And all of the sudden, I felt sick. Sick to my stomach about what I had been doing. I was a prime example of human behavior, specifically the confusing, frightening, and sickening kind. All of this time I had thought of my system as a game or sport. Some enjoy hunting, I enjoyed bedding. It was just a hobby. Now, it was a crime. A sin. I was almost crying, for Christsake.

I scribbled into the margin 'Is this what you see, Ciel? I can change for you. Someday, I'll show you.'

Expectedly, eyes turned. It wasn't a surprise that I had someone in my possession currently, but the fact that it was Alois. That's what made is gossipable.

"Wow, Alois is already over Claude? I thought he'd never give up."

"And the fact that it was Sebastian that helped him 'get over it...'"

Alois pulled me over to his locker and attempted to claw his way up my chest to kiss me. I scanned around, no sign of Claude anywhere. Why on earth would he be...?

"Excuse me but your blocking my locker." Oh no.

"Oh, I'm sorry Ciel. You're just so minuscule that I hardly even notice you anymore," Alois giggled, climbing off of me. Ciel and I made short eye contact before he instantly broke it, blushing like he had just seen his grandmother naked. "You've meet my boyfriend haven't you?" I could physically see Ciel gritting his teeth. I was right there with him. Boyfriend? "Yes, it's amazing isn't it? Someone, being me, has finally roped the wild stallion known as Sebastian Michaelis." Alois said in his showy manor. Ciel slammed his locker and stormed off towards his class. That was enough to make me angry as well.

I flipped our positions and pinned Alois to the lockers.

"What the hell what was?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"What? I was just introducing you to my best friend," the words best and friend were dripping with sarcasm.

"That wasn't an introduction, that was showing me off like some prize to be won!"

"Oh, kind of like how you are always trying to show off your prize hickeys?!"

There was silence. I felt the bile rise from my stomach again.

"Listen," my voice was steady as I removed my hands from his shoulders, "We aren't dating, Alois. You are not my boyfriend and we are not in a relationship." He looked away and smirked. I followed his eyes down the corridor. At the end of the hallway, in that tiny storage alcove was Ciel, looking a red, flustered mess. What had I done to him? How low could I possibly be to cause him this much pain. I couldn't change. I was a confusing, frightening, sickening human being.

"Not even to make your precious little Ciel jealous?"He leaned in the kiss me. I was never going to be good enough for him. Alois's lips met mine and I couldn't pull away. For the first time, I was paralyzed with disgust and self hatred.