Respiration {on hold-ish}

Chapter Four | it's not pity

keep running.

left. right.

left. right.

keep running.

don't stop.

you can't go back.

you can't ever go back.

it's your fault.

it's always your fault.

I woke with a start. A stentorian scream emitting from my lips. It took me a couple seconds to realize that it all was just a dream. Well actually a nightmare. One that occurred regularly at that.

It wasn't until my heart had stopped pounding in my ears and my breathing returned to a normal rate that I realized someone was knocking at the front door. I groggily trudge down the stairs and over to the large wooden front door. I don't even consider checking for who it is before I unlock it and swing it wide open. I regret my decision of not checking who was there almost immediately. Alec Noble. I shouldn't of been so surprised.

"Hey Flea."  He greeted me softly causing my heart to ache ever so slightly at the childhood nickname.

"Hey Lick." A small smile appeared on Alec's lips when he heard me call him that. I mentally decided that I would play nice for a little bit, but I wasn't going to let myself get too close to him. Never again.

"So what's up?" I asked

"Oh I came to check on you and say hi and stuff." He stated, nervously rubbing his neck with his hand.

"Oh well hi then." I lamely replied letting out an awkward laugh.

"Hi." A small smile played at his lips.

A gust of cold air blew through the open door causing both of us to simultaneously shiver. "Do you want to come in?" I asked eyeing the goosebumps on his exposed arm.  "We have hot chocolate and a nice fireplace?"

At my offering his face noticeably brightened. "Sure." He eagerly responded, running his fingers through his already tousled light brown hair. I stepped back and gestured for him to come in, a rare smile present on my face. "Thanks."

"No problem."

He shut the door behind him and then followed me into the kitchen where I started heating up the water for our hot chocolate. I was placing the kettle onto the stove when he started talking.

"So what have you been up to lately?"

"Oh nothing really." I murmured staying focused on what I was doing before taking a seat on a stool across from him.

"Somehow I don't believe it." He presses on. By now he has both of his arms on top of the  island and his head resting on his hands.

"Uhm well... I read I guess... and I like music... and yeah." I trail off unsure of what else to say.

"Oh come on Felicity. You can't tell me that over the two years that we haven't talked that you've done absolutely nothing. What about friends? Birthdays? Parties? Concerts? Anything?!"

I just kept shaking my head, ever since everything occurred I hadn't really had the urge to do anything with my life. I've never really had many friends and I pushed the few I did manage to attain away. I find that the less people you care about the smaller the chances of you being hurt.

"I'm just not a people person I guess."

"Felicity."

"That's my name." I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I'm worried about you." He whispered softly.

"W-why?" I nervously stuttered out.

"The light that you've always had in your eyes isn't there anymore flea. They're filled with an empty sadness that wasn't present before. I know that we don't talk much anymore, but you were my friend. You were my best friend and I'm still here if you need someone." I could see in his eyes that he was being one hundred percent sincere, but I still couldn't bring myself to open up. So I did what I do best and tried to push him away.

"I don't need someone." I exclaimed, leaping up from where I was seated. "I've gone over two years by myself without a hitch. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. I don't need your or anyone else's pity. Okay? My life is just dandy, so just sto-"

I was cut off by a calloused finger being pressed against my lips.

"Is that what you think this is?" Alec breathed softly. "You think I'm doing this out of pity?" I could fill my eyes fill up with warm tears and I cast my gaze downwards. As I slowly nodded a hand was gently placed under my chin, guiding my head until I was looking straight into his forest green eyes. "It's not pity Felicity. It's concern for the lovely girl I grew up with. The girl who used to be the epitome of sunshine and smiles. I'm scared for you. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I don't understand how you can even feel that way." My voice was barely audible. "It's been two years, no one cares after two years. They fake sympathy for the first couple of days, maybe weeks at most and then they just forget. In two years it's as if nothing ever happened."

"I'm not no one Felicity. I was never going to leave you. I cared when everything happened and I still do now."

I could feel myself caving, his words were slowly eating at the walls that I worked so hard to build around me. I couldn't let that happen. I hurt everyone that gets close to me, and I wasn't going to let history repeat itself.

"I think you should go." My voice was filled with a sense of finality and Alec could tell that I wasn't going to negotiate this. So he slowly nodded before turning around and walking out of my house.

The sound of the front door slamming shut echoed throughout and I found myself dropping to the floor as the tears I had previously tried to withhold came gushing out. I sat there sobbing silently, fighting my own internal battle.

I couldn't let anyone get close. I only bring harm. I did the right thing. He doesn't need me. I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm going to explode at any moment and I can't let there be any other casualties besides myself.