If I Only Knew Why

Courage

Why have I let it go this far?. Im just a small 5th grader . I need my best friends. So I decided to tell my only 2 best friends ...what will happen after they know? I don't know .. I don't I don't know.. I just know that I can't bear this alone anymore .
I prayed to God that night I had asked him if this was right , I told God if this is what I get for being a whining child that I'll accept it, I just want his help. And a my friend.
So that week after Christmas break we went back to school of course. It was something about today I didn't feel like myself , I didn't feel nothing towards anything , I felt dead. My best friends told me I wasn't myself the whole day. So I told Jen and Ruby finally ,first if they can both keep a secret no matter what. They agreed . I made them cross their heart and pinky promise , and I while I told them I began crying . I told them that I don't know if he should be doing that. They looked at me with confused yet worried looks . They told me you know that's not right . It's not your fault he did that. Jen told me she has to tell their parents that this is bad . I begged for her not to.
"You promised Jen "I cried even more "I want to be the one who tells an adult.."
They both ask " When would that be ?"I shrugged ,blowed my nose on a tissue. The teacher came by and asked if I was okay, I just told her that I don't feel good, she asked if I needed to go to the nurse I said no it's fine .
She looked mysteriously at us and said "okay if you need anything I'm here. "
" I'm not sure yet but soon hopefully" I whispered to them .We just don't know what he doing is called. I don't know what to call it .
Later after I got home. He was there I can't do this anymore , I can't stand the way I feel . I can't stand my parents not seeing I am sad ! I told my bestfriends and they still don't understand why I haven't told anyone . .. Why can't they put themselves in my shoes ? Why can't they be here for me. Why can't my sisters not notice how can no one not notice . They don't care. They always bully me . They always tell me that I ruin everything when I am with them. Everything always goes bad when I go. They don't want me .. I just cant ..
  Months go by and nothing change. I still have no courage. And i keep reassuring my best friends I'll soon tell an adult. Honestly I don't know what I am waiting for. Of course I am afraid I think that's the only thing keeping me silent. I guess I'm waiting for a chance that I can take , maybe build up my courage but I have no damn clue what I am waiting for.
   Went to school and the whole school doing a D.A.R.E program. And this officer come in my class and starts talking about the program and tells us what the letters stand for. D for Drugs , A for Abuse , R for Resistance , E for Education. After he said what they stand for he went to detail about each word , as soon as he said abuse and how it happens , what it looks , that there is different kinds of abuse named few and said what each one was same yet different . Sexual Child Abuse. Is that hit me . As soon as I knew that was me . I turn to my best friends behind me. They mouthed me to say something . But I said no not yet. Then the officer said "if you know something , or something of anything of what I mention write it down on a piece of paper I won't tell anyone I'll speak with you, and I'll keep you and whoever is safe " after he said that he looked directly at me , I don't know if he was or not but I felt him starring.      
   We were about to leave home I was gonna talk to him I was . But I did not. I went home kept my mouth shut but I grew courage . I was alone with him he started to come near me ad you know what I finally did?
  I stood up for myself. And I spoke sharp and fierce with no fear in my voice . This where my words to him
" no me vas a tocar jamas otra vez ,me tocas le llamo ala policia, y les digo lo que me as hecho"
"You will not touch me ever again, you touch me and I will call the police and tell them what you have done to me "
I felt so strong , but he brought me down so bad . By trying to give me money. Am I that easy to give in on money ?  No! I told him he can keep his filthy money .
   He told me "te compro todo lo que quieres namas no digas" I'll buy you whatever you want just don't tell .
I repeated myself and left the room it's was weird cause mom came in as soon as I said that . And that was the day it stopped . I don't remember what month it was when I told him . I wish I had my dairy still so I can tell you all when it started and when it stopped .
  I will find out soon because it kills me to know when I finally got my courage to stood up for myself, but I'll tell you this it wasn't the end of feeling how I felt I thought things would be different now that he has stop things will get back to normal . But little did I know that things are going to be worse. You'll  have to wait and find out .