Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 48

48.
It's weird to sleep on my own in the bed again.  I'm glad I haven't changed the sheets yet because at least it still smells of him.  I toss and turn for a while, struggling to get comfortable and switch off. 
An annoying part of my brain still keeps throwing out the opinion that our relationship is doomed.  How can it ever last as we transition through such disparate life stages? - is the question constantly put up.  We might be connecting now, but with this level of emotional investment it's probably not going to end prettily, (- not that I am actually having any thoughts of ending things currently).  I do feel stronger, emotionally.  Maybe I will be okay to deal with it when it happens, but then again, maybe much of that strength has come from him.

Work starts off very different from when I was last there.  I nurse a drug addict who overdosed over the weekend and is only just being taken off the ventilator on my shift.  His first words moments after the endotracheal tube comes out are lewd and abusive, and his behaviour quickly becomes more violent as his strength returns, until security end up escorting him from the hospital. 

I am robotic in dealing with him.  I won't give him the reaction he is pushing for and be unprofessional, or let him see that he is capable of shocking or upsetting me.  It takes its toll though, and by the time the elevator doors shut to take him out of my life, I am drained and my hands don't stop shaking for a good while afterwards.  My colleagues offer lots of support but there's not really much that needs to be said.  I curse myself that I didn't get the IV luer out of his arm before he cut up really rough.  It will make his next few hits particularly easy.    

I call and make a doctor's appointment for tomorrow before I leave work.  I decide to have a shot at a boxing-type class at the gym after work, with much trepidation that my limited coordination will be totally exposed.  I discover that it is actually a great way to relieve some of the stresses of the day, and gives me back some feeling of strength.  I crawl into bed early feeling exhausted, and just want to hear Luke's voice before I go to sleep. 

He answers his mobile, "Hi babe - how you doing?"

I'm taken back for a moment by him calling me 'babe'.  It's the first time he's called me anything other than Jo and it stands out.  It feels weird briefly, but then just really warm and ...special.  "Hi" I return.  "I'm good - how was your day?"

"Yeah okay - same old shit."  His voice almost has an echo to it and he grunts a bit before asking, "What about you?"

"Are you still working on your car?"  I disregard his question for a minute.

"Yep - I'm under it.  It's been a bastard to get the old muffler off - more rust than I thought" he sighs.  "I'm covered in it."  The frustration is evident in his voice. 

"Oh - bugger."  I know almost nothing about cars other than how to drive them, and feel lost for what else to say for a bit.  "So your new parts arrived okay?"

"Yeah - I haven't really got to that yet though.  What have you been doing?"

"I had a bit of a tough day at work..."  I go on to tell him a bit about the patient and his escalating violence.  The line goes really quiet even after I've stopped talking.  "Are you still there?" I eventually ask.

"Yeah.  Shit, why wasn't security there as soon as he came around? - everyone must have known he was a dick."  He sounds quite angry.

I start questioning if I should have said anything.  I've actually pretty much moved on now myself, I just wanted one more chance to vent a bit.  "They can't be everywhere just in case - there's not enough of them.  Sometimes they can just make things worse anyway - if they start getting in people's faces or being too hostile, without understanding the situation."

"You shouldn't have to deal with that kind of stuff though.  God, I never knew you could be in that much danger at work." 

I sigh and roll over, swapping the phone to my other ear.  "It's not that bad.  You just have to try to read people and keep your wits about you.  Sometimes they're just trying to deal with some really horrible stuff." 

"...And sometimes they're just wankers who could hurt you."

"Luke, I've been doing all this for a while - I can handle it.  I shouldn't have said anything..."  I can't hide some irritation from my voice now.  I feel really tired and it's not the kind of conversation I had anticipated when I made the call.

There's a long pause again before he speaks quietly, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to interfere.  I just don't wanna even think about some loser hurting you ...especially when you're just trying to do your job and help him."

I smile, "I know, and that's sweet.  It's okay though."  I hope I'm still making sense as I feel calm again and start to shut my eyes.  "I did this boxing fitness class today" I change the subject and yawn. 

"Cool - did you kick ass?"  He seems happy to move on.

"Huh" I snort.  "- maybe the air's.  I wasn't as unco as I thought I might be."

He hesitates a moment, "Um, thanks for having me at your place in the weekend.  ...Sorry I don't have somewhere you can stay."

"It's fine.  I really like having you here."  It was such an uncomplicated day with just the two of us on Sunday, and then so much else was happening today that I hadn't really thought much more about his mother.  "How are things with your Mum?"

I don't think he was really wanting to take the conversation in this direction, as he's reluctant.  "Just the same."  He pauses and seems to consider what else he will say.  "I wish you's could have met in a better way ...but I don't know that it would have changed anything."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Na - it was my fault" he responds quickly.

"Is she okay with her mood and that?"

"Yeah I think so."  He sounds really tired.

"I'm gonna let you go then.  Are you done with the car for tonight?"

"Hmm - I really need a shower and some sleep."

"Goodnight then - wish I could kiss ya."

"Ditto.  Sleep good.  Bye."