The Transfer: A Glee Fanfiction

Chapter 19

It was almost ten o'clock, and Rachel had been staring at her phone for over an hour. She promised herself she would call him, but everytime she dialed the first few digits she started shaking and put the phone down. Why was she so nervous? This was getting ridiculous. He's probably asleep anyway, so I should just wait until tomorrow, she tried to reason with herself, but it still felt like she was giving up.

Rachel took a deep breath and punched his number in with speed and dexterity, the way she had learned to when they were dating and she called him a dozen times every day. The motion was familiar and comforting.

The phone rang in her ear, but it was only on the second ring when it cut off.

"Rachel?"

His voice was a strange mix of tired and alert, nervous and excited all at once. The sound stopped Rachel's words in her throat and replaced them with a fairly large lump that she couldn't quite swallow.

"Rach, are you there?"

"Yeah," she croaked around the lump. Her eyes were burning already. "I'm here."

"It's so good to hear your voice," Finn sighed. "Is everything okay? You sound like you have a cold."

"No, I'm fine," she said, hoping he wouldn't question her further.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry," he started, and she could sense he had a whole speech planned. "I don't know what happened the other night. I'm sorry if I upset you when...I'm just really sorry. I want you to know that I'm not mad about you leaving McKinley or anything I just miss you and I keep expecting to see you at school and I feel so guilty all the time like I could've done something but now..." He stopped to catch his breath and sighed. "I planned everything I wanted to tell you if you ever spoke to me again, and now I can't remember it for the life of me. It's just...I'm sorry Rachel. For everything. I feel like such a major dick."

"You don't have to be sorry," Rachel said. "None of it was your fault."

"But it was, and I am," he said. Finn groaned, and Rachel could just picture him, lying back on his bed with his eyes closed and running his hand through his hair. It made her heart ache.

Rachel didn't know what to say. No matter how many times she told him that there was nothing he could have done to stop her from leaving, it wasn't going to make a difference. So instead she stayed silent.

"I should've been a better friend to you," he said quietly, just above a whisper. "And all I've done since you left is screw up. I was mad, and selfish, and everything that happened yesterday...I can't believe I did that. You were right to be angry with me. I was a total jerk."

"I want to say that it's okay," Rachel said. "But I can't. It's not okay. I'm not mad anymore, but I'm not okay, either. I think I just need some time to get over...everything."

He was quiet for a moment, then he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Rach."

"I know," she said. They were both silent for what felt like forever.

"I miss you," he finally says. "I want to be the friend you deserve, Rach."

"Don't say that," Rachel said. "Don't say you want to be friends."

"Why not?"

"You know why not," she said.

"Rach..." he started. "I know it's hard. It's hard for me, too. But I need you."

"Please, just stop talking." He fell silent. "It's not hard, Finn. It's impossible. I know you're hurting too, but don't pretend that this affected us the same way. You have your friends and football and Quinn; you have plenty of things to distract you. My only friend is Kurt, and everytime I see him I think of you. My only hobby was glee, and you were there everyday. You're unavoidable, Finn, and it's made getting over you very difficult."