Tired of Pretending

Drawing

"Go away Arthur," Merlin mutters not lifting his head from what he's doing.

Arthur scowls, "I'm bored."

"Then go find Gwaine, leave me alone." Merlin's voice comes out slow, as if he doesn't even know he's saying them. Merlin's sitting on the castle steps, head bowed over something in his lap, but Arthur just wont leave him alone!

Arthur rolls his eyes, "Merlin..." Arthur glances down and tilts his head as Merlin shields it from him. "What are you even doing?"

Merlin scolds, "that's not any of your business Sire."

Arthur's eyebrows scrunch, "the hell it isn't." Arthur snatches the notebook from Merlin and quickly stands up, walking away.

"Hey! That's mine! Arthur!" Merlin leaps up, following his master.

Arthur is astonished, he flips through the pages. His eyes growing wider with each one.

It was filled with detailed beautiful drawings.

Some of places in the forest that he had never seen.

One of a beautiful lake with mountains behind it and wild flowers growing around it.

Some of himself and the other knights.

Some of Gwen and Gaius.

But many, many of a girl he had never before seen.

She is lovely.

A delicate nose, full beautiful lips.

Arched eyebrows, high cheekbones, and kind soft eyes.

Hair casted around her shoulders.

Arthur's heart fills with pain, these drawings were filled with pain. But they were all so lovely.

Arthur flips to the beginning.

She is smiling that soft smile.

Flip.

Leaning down, smelling a budding rose in her hand. Her hair falling forward slightly.

Flip.

She is grinning at something you can't see, her face is filled with so much happiness.

Flip.

Merlin, holding her as she sleeps. Her face relaxed and carefree.

Flip.

Merlin cupping her face gently, she is looking up at him with such happiness and contentment.

Flip.

Merlin kissing her lightly on the lips, her eyes half drifted closed.

Flip.

She is lying on the ground with Merlin over her, holding her up. Her eyes filled with love, but her face betrays her pain.

Flip.

Merlin, clutching her limp form, tears running down his face.

Flip.

She looks like she is sleeping, she has a small smile. She is lying in a boat filled with flowers.

Flip.

The boat is in the middle of a lake with mountains behind it.

Flip.

The notebook is yanked from his grasp and he looks up to a stricken look on Merlin's face. Arthur was so enraptured he hadn't even noticed he had stopped walking.

"Are you done now?" hisses Merlin, his face filled with pain.

"Who is she?" whispers Arthur.

"Was. She died but she was and will always be my one and only love. Freya." The name seemed to tear from Merlin's throat as it closes up and his eyes fill.

"When?"

"A few years ago," Merlin lovingly closes the notebook.

"While you were still in Camelot?" Arthur's eyebrows furrow.

Merlin nods and looks down, swallowing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arthur puts a hand on his manservants arm.

Merlin shrugs slightly, "that's just how I am, I don't share many things. I've lost so many," Merlin's voice cracks, "I don't want pity. So many have I lost, I've gotten used to mourning on my own."

Arthur's eyes water and he swipes at them, "don't keep something like that to your self, you idiot. I'm not here for nothing. I will help you." Arthur usually would never say this but he knew Merlin needed it.

Merlin smiles and nods, "thank you." His voice is full of gratitude, though he doesn't know what he is thanking him for.

Arthur smiles and ruffles Merlin's hair, "take the day off." Then he pushes Merlin slightly and runs off to bug Gwaine and leave Merlin in peace