Lazaretto (Camren)

T E N

*trigger warning for fighting*

"And in the end, we are all just humans...drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." –F. Scott Fitzgerald

CAMILA

It had been a week since Val's surprise visit. After she had left, Ally came out of the room and helped us out of the hole. Lauren seemed genuinely surprised when she saw me exit, like she hadn't known I was there the entire time. As soon as her eyes met my watery ones, she must have remembered everything she said to Val. Everything.

She immediately tried to console me by grabbing my arm, but I pulled away and went to her room only to slam the door. I leaned my back against it and cried even harder than I was before, if that was even possible, before I slid down until I was resting on the floor. I didn't have the energy to stand anymore.

I wasn't mad at the fact that she said that it meant nothing, whatever that was supposed to mean. I didn't care about that. I was upset about Blue. I knew Val was talking about him, so why hadn't Lauren told me sooner? She knew how close 5007 and I were. She knew.

Blue and I had grown up together. He was always there. He was the only constant thing I had in my life. I could count on seeing him every day, and that was enough for me. I knew he had liked me, loved me even. I wasn't sure if I ever loved him, but with time I could learn to. He was honest, he was gentle, and he was sincere. How could you not love someone who brought out those traits in you? He saw the best in me even when I couldn't see it in myself. We said we would be together after graduation, if we both made it until then, and I had planned on it until the day of the public execution when I went ballistic and tried to save the girl. 

I had to quickly push the memory of that day out of my head...thinking of her and  5007 would have surely been the death of me. So instead I let myself cry on the floor over a boy who no longer knew who I was, a boy that saw the light inside me when all I saw was darkness. And in that moment, the darkness took over my world.

I wasn't sure if I fell asleep or if I stayed up all night. As I lied curled up in a ball on the wooden floor, I wished I would wake back up in my bed at the facility. I wanted all of it to be over. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was, back when 5007 knew who I was. Back when I was loved by someone who didn't expect to be loved in return.

But, it never happened. I woke up on the floor the next morning and went about my day. I hadn't talked to Lauren all week, avoiding her as much as I could. Either I went to work and came straight home, or I stayed at the warehouse to avoid her altogether. I knew we would have to talk about it eventually, but I wasn't ready. I couldn't face her.

Ally tried to talk to me about it, but I brushed her off. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not even Austin could cheer me up. Eventually he stopped trying to help and let me be. I was walking around like a zombie. Getting out of bed was an arduous task, taking a shower was a chore, getting dressed was tiresome...I just wanted to sleep.

Ally told everyone at the warehouse what happened, and Max and Derek told me I could take as much time as I needed before returning to training. I was thankful for Ally in that moment.

Last night I stayed at the warehouse. Normani gave me a room next to hers just in case I needed something, and I was sure she could hear me crying at night, but she never said anything.

I was slowly eating my breakfast in the cafeteria, trying to eat as much as I could before feeling nauseous. Sometimes I only managed a few bites before I had to stop. I had gotten better over the week, but I still hadn't managed a full meal. Losing someone, in the most simplest of terms, will make you crazy. It will drive you to the point of oblivion. It will make things like jumping off of a cliff seem like a logical idea. The days drag on, and anything anyone says just isn't good enough because nothing they say will bring them back.