Music of My Life

Memphis May Fire - Miles Away

Why is it that music can speak for you when words cant? Its so difficult to sit here and listen to music without running over memories. Both memories that are good and bad... And It always kills. This song has a lot to do with the difficulty of me being in the middle between being by my girlfriends side... and being by my brothers and sisters in arms. I truly love this song, cause at times i find my self listening to it, cause 9 times out of 10 im always looking to the sky for answers as to what to do. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Memphis May Fire - Miles Away

I pack my bags and say goodbye to my wife for what seems like the millionth time.

They said it gets easier, but they lied.
She looks at me and says "Really baby, I will be just fine."
But then she looks away so I don't have to see her cry.
And that is when I ask myself

As i come to my two year mark of being in the military, people always told me, "Oh, dont worry, it will get easier as you go on. The good byes wont be so hard cause it will just be a common thing." But for me, it has yet to get easier... To me it has gotten a lot harder.. More then I can handle half the time... Its the hardest thing to be sitting there on the last day of your "freedom" and realize that tomorrow your taking a plane back across country to a place where you feel so alone, and so despite for comfort. It hurts when you watch the family you love, cry and hope to see you for the next holiday. The most difficult part is having to say goodbye to the love of your life. For me, she has been there by my side through everything.. And every time i tell her that i have to go, but i don't want to leave her, she always tells me she will be fine. But the minute im at the airport waiting for the plane.. I can feel it in my chest, the hole, the part that's missing..

How am I supposed to be everything they expect me to be?
When I feel so alone, because I left my heart at home.
She needs me, But I know they need me too.
So god give me the strength to do, what you created me to do.

But how can i just drop everything when i know there are people that need me back here in the military. That you have brothers and sisters who rely on you for help. So Im stuck between being everything that the military expects me to be and more, and being the girlfriend i need to be back home. Im not religious, but in times like this, i look to the sky in hopes that god will give me a sign, show me he is real and lead me down the road that i need to go, cause right now, im torn. 

Really I'm so thankful for the people I meet, the places I've been and the things I've seen.
But when she's not here it doesn't feel like I'm living my dreams.
I know they say, that no one is perfect, but I swear she's perfect for me.
And that makes it so much harder to leave.

How am I supposed to be everything they expect me to be?
When I feel so alone, because I left my heart at home.
She needs me, But I know they need me too.
So god give me the strength to do, what you created me to do.

Since i been in the military, i have met amazing people, some that understand me to the fullest, and i know when i get out we will still keep in touch. And the places i been so far were amazing too, but i constantly feel like im missing the one major part of me, my heart. My girlfriend has it, and she will always have it. I feel like im constantly alone, constantly in pain, cause my heart is not where it belongs. Next to me. People say i should just give up on our relationship, but i cant, cause to me she is perfect. Yes, we have had ups and downs, fights here and there in the past, but that never stopped us. To me she has become the key to my happiness, my calm mind, my everything. But i know that if i leave now, i wouldnt be able to make her happy. I wouldnt be able to support her, or at least thats how i feel. So how can i just drop everything and go back?  

If you miss me, I'm just a phone call away.
Please be strong, Be strong for me.
I need you to show me, how to the change the inside of me for my heart, for their sake, please be strong, be strong for me.

How am I supposed to be everything they expect me to be?
When I feel so alone, so alone.

How am I supposed to be everything they expect me to be?
When I feel so alone, because I left my heart at home.
She needs me, But I know they need me too.
So god give me the strength to do, what you created me to do

I know she cares and i know its hard on her too, and i always think about it, i always think about how things could have been different, how i could have just stayed out of the military, or let her go in. Or even just waiting for her to finish high school so we could have gone into together. I tell her she can call me when ever, no matter what time it is, that i will always be there for her. Time and time again i tell her to be strong because when she is strong, so am I. No matter how far we are from each other, i can feel her, both the good and the bad. I need her to be that one thing that keeps me down to earth, keeps me from losing my mind, cause if not, i wouldn't be here right now. I know when i cant be strong, she can. She is the person i look towards for power to continue on, when i feel down i stop and remember why im here and how i gotten this far and she always comes to mind. She is the reason im standing here today... and why im still here helping my brothers and sisters in arms, because she is the strength i feed off. I never want to lose her, but i know i cant leave yet. Im constantly stuck in between going home, and starting a life again with her... or staying in, and hoping we will be ok.. I love her, more then anything, but im stuck between staying in and making sure she has a life... or getting out and feel like things will fall apart... God please, give me a sign, help me figure out if these last 2 years... will be my last... or will i stay in and make a living off of this... I love her more then life its self, but i want to make sure she is happy and has a life... even if it means i give up mine to the military...