Music of My Life

Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler - Better off

We know that this won't last
Not like it used to
And I'm okay with that
But not if I lose you

It's coming around that month again when I lost someone close to me to another person 3 years ago, and I knew part of me back then said it would have lasted but I never wanted to believe it cause I thought what we had was strong. 

I can feel it in my bones
Sinking deeper in the overflow
Can you feel it in your soul?

It's this uneasy feeling that creeps up on me, and I know it's been sitting deep in the dark part of my soul and my heart. I just wonder if she ever thinks about it.. If she knew it wouldn't last. 

If I'm honest, maybe we're better off alone
(Better off, better off alone)
Maybe we're better off alone
(Better off, better off alone)
Maybe we're better off
Maybe we're better off alone
Maybe we're better off

I constantly try to push past it but for some reason, I feel it more right now than any other time. Yes, I'm happily married and have been for 2 years almost, but part of me still wonders about her... but in my head, I know that we are probably better off alone.. That's why I don't talk to her as much as I use too. 

I won't turn my back
Now that you want to
And if there's nothing left
Why does it haunt you?

I know that if I choose to say something, then she will maybe talk to me about it, but who wants to live in the past. It constantly hunts me though, just cause I never understood why she chose him over me so easily.. Why she just cheated without even thinking about it twice, and what's wrong is that I KNEW she was with him in THAT way.. but I never wanted to believe it and now after 3 years I finally choose to accept that it was true. 

I can feel it take control
Falling further in the undertow
Can you feel it in your soul?If I'm honest, maybe we're better off alone
(Better off, better off alone)
Maybe we're better off alone
(Better off, better off alone)
Maybe we're better off
Maybe we're better off alone
Maybe we're better off

I know that life will continue to move, even if we choose not to move with it... and I want to keep walking with life but there is always something that pulls me back.. and I'm hoping that as time continues and I move away from her, and this place where everything happened... 

I can feel it in my bones
Running circles
'Cause you're all I know
And I feel it in my soul
If I'm honest

I hope that with my memory loss getting worse... I hope I just forget all the things that happened, all the pain I felt, cause every year I'm running circles around this time of the year.. I don't want this pain, and as much as I hate to say this... (and its nothing against her, or him or their lovely kid) but I hope I forget them too... To maybe finally ease my mind and let me live my life to the fullest with my loving wife. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where I'm at in my life, I am choosing to start new once I leave the military in Dec/ Jan. I don't want to live in the past anymore, and I don't want to have to be reminded of it everytime I see him or her, or even pass by my old barracks where I felt so alone for so long. I don't want to go back to a home in Florida, where I got my ass beat by my father, then stood in front of them, and get this look of disgrace from them... When I leave, that's it. I probably wont continue this book anymore, and Ill finally make a last entry, and close it. 

I truly am trying to live a drama free life from all this crap I dealt with in the military... If in the process I lose some friends, then I know its meant to be, but the past is too dangerous for me to continue to live in. I hope that if she is reading this, that you understand that these choices I am making are being done because of the way I am. I don't want to lose your friendship right away but we are falling apart a bit every day. I understand that you may want to keep this friendship even if its just a bit, but it's not possible when I leave.. Because if your still on my mind, then I'm taking time away from my wife.. and It bothers me because so much music I listen too, has so much meaning behind it cause it was songs we shared and I can't listen to it in front of my wife because I think of you instead of her and its hurts me so much cause I want to break down and cry. 

So please understand this, You did what you did for your reasons and nothing that happens now will change those things in the past. I forgave you a while ago, and yes I can't forget it, but I want you to know that I am so proud of the mother you have become for your son, and the type of person you are now vs when you were younger. Your bright, and you know what you need to do to survive in this crazy world. I am so glad that you shared experiences with me, and help create good memories, even though I can't remember any except the first night we spent together. Keep pushing forward and create that perfect world for your son, and may he be as beautiful as you.  I hope that you can forgive me for the number of mistakes I made and that you understand why I need to do this. I want to say something like, "I'll always be here for you" or "I'm just a phone call away" but.. I won't be once I leave this life behind. So just remember, Stay Strong, and Always keep pushing forward even when it feels like the world is coming to an end. You have someone that loves you and looks up to you as his world, so make sure you give him the things you didn't have and he experiences the things you didn't.

Forgive me, my old friend.

Sometimes, It's better to walk away then to live in the shadow of the past. I hope you understand.