Just Give Me a Reason

Chapter 4

Saturday flew by.

No really, I didn’t have a clue what I had done. Bit of work, didn’t get very far though. My mother came by to drop off the food for Sunday and thankfully she left right after and didn’t insist on cleaning up my flat. Then I had plopped down onto the sofa and watched Family Guy. Yes, a twenty-four-year-old young man was allowed to watch Family Guy, (cause it’s epic). I had woken up ten minutes ago, having fallen asleep in front of the television and now I had a terrible pain in my neck. Ugh I was such a mess. My stomach growled and I sighed, heaving my body up and slumping over into the kitchen. On the way there my gaze fell onto the bookshelf and spotted the thin bracelet. Instantly my breath stopped and tears started forming.

*Flashback*

College parties were the best.

“This is sick Anthony!” I exclaimed, slamming my friend’s red plastic cup filled with pure liquor and mine together. “Let’s get fucking wasted!” I was already tipsy but I wanted to be drunk. We were celebrating my best friend’s birthday after all.

“Babe.” I heard a husky voice breathe and turned to face the gorgeous green eyes.

“Hey love, finally made it.” I greeted my boyfriend. Harry smirked and rolled his eyes, already knowing my current condition.

“Did I miss anything?” He asked but in that moment another guy called my name.

“Gotta go, you’ll manage by yourself.” I excused myself and the curly-haired lad opened his mouth to protest but I turned and strode away.

“Hey Zayner, we’re taking shots. You in?” A guy asked and my eyes lit up. I was never a person to turn down free shots.

“You bet.” After around eight I was wasted and the others laughed with me about pathetic things.

“Hey, you sure your boyfriend’s okay? Seem a bit lost.” Anthony slurred and I turned to see the boy standing in the middle of the swaying crowd. When I watched him, I saw he was kindly avoiding girls and guys trying to dance with him. It was a huge party, I didn’t know a third of the people. He met my gaze and his face brightened up as he beckoned me to walk to him.

“Have some fun!” I hollered and he frowned.

“You’re being an ass.” Liam told me, being his usual sober self.

“Nah he can handle it.” I shot back and in that moment a girl approached me. After I had downed another shot, the alcohol burning my throat, I looked up to see a brunette with huge breasts standing in front of me.

“Hello gorgeous.” She giggled and battled her eyelashes. A tight dress hugged her slim body barely covering her firm bum. Her brown eyes gazed at me with lust and I felt dizzy with all the alcohol in my veins.

“I’m Hanna.” She purred into my ear and I responded:

“Zayn.”

Cautiously she set a hand onto my chest and I felt eyes burning into me. Glancing to the side, I caught Harry glaring at me and I winked at him, placing my hand onto her waist.

“D’you wanna find some place more quiet?” I asked her and her grin widened. So I let her lead me someplace upstairs seeing my boyfriend’s hurt expression out of the corner of my eye. Come on, live a little. The very drunk beauty wobbled into a random bedroom and I didn’t waste any time to kiss her. My mind was foggy, I wasn’t thinking anymore.

Halla, was that her name?

I took a step back and pulled off her dress, grabbing a handful of my shirt and pulling me onto her. We fell onto the bed, mouths messily meeting. The rest was a blur really. The next moment I recalled was straddling the girl, her hands down my trousers and that I was half naked. The door creaked open and we heard a gasp, I glanced at the door and found my boyfriend standing there. I laughed at the situation.

My vision was swimming and he was screaming: “Fuck you! We’re through, fucking asshole!” With that he tore off the relationship bracelet we had bought each other on our half-year anniversary and threw it at me, storming off.

“Boyfriend?” The girl underneath me asked and I shrugged:

“He’ll get over it, latest tomorrow he’ll say sorry and be back.” Then I passed out on the bed, so the others told me the next day.

*Flashback end*

I was a weeping mess.

I was curled up on the floor, holding the small remaining of Harry and my relationship.

Gone. I had lost him over a girl.

What was worse, I laughed, I just laughed at him. And when he broke up with me? I just stood there; I didn’t do anything. Shivering, I sniffed and choked out a sob after the other. So many nights I had spent crying. Crying for him. Shit. Pathetic. Stupid. I had taken him for granted, I didn’t know what I had, didn’t know what real love meant. I was never good enough for him and I would never be.

Wiping my eyes, I picked myself off of the floor. My hunger had vanished and had been replaced with a dulling ache. Out, I had to go out. Therefore it wasn’t surprising that I found myself at Jacky’s bar twenty minutes later. Saturday night; of course it was crowded and I wormed my way though and ordered a few strong drinks. The liquid slid down my throat, the warm feeling welcoming my body to relax.

To forget.

To just be.

I looked around. There were lots of pretty women here tonight, and men. But I never looked for men. A hot black-haired guy walked up to me and we did a bit of small chat, just to keep it classy. Minutes later my hand was in his hair, our tongues fighting, my heart racing. I drew him in and he bit my lower lip evoking a groan. My hands roamed his chest fleetingly but the other guy was way ahead of me. Grabbing me through my tight trousers, he began palming me, stepping closer. When I gasped he smirked and ground his erection into my crotch. I felt light-headed.

“I wanna do your ass so badly. You’re gonna scream my name.” He hushed into my ear and I froze.

“How about a blow job?” I asked him and my pleaser stopped the grinding.

“You a virgin?”

“No, course not! I just don’t go all the way.”

“Oh we’ll go all the way baby, I’ll have you begging for me.” I closed my eyes trying to neglect the red bulbs. Somewhere before leaving for his house and after a quick hand job, I made it clear that I did not want sex. This caused the guy to curse at me and leave me in the middle of the street. Sure drunk kisses, fooling around were okay. Sometimes I even dropped to my knees in a bathroom stall, but never anything more. Same tonight. Curls and green eyes appeared every time I wanted to go any further.

I couldn’t.

Not after what I had done last time. But he’s married now, you might say. But he’s gone and I’m pathetic. Yes that certainly was true. I dragged myself back to my flat and broke down crying again. Harry was gone. I wasn’t ready for this special dinner. I wasn’t ready to see him again. I couldn’t. My first thought was to call Louis, but what would I have said? Hi, yeah it’s Zayn and I’m sort of still in love with Harry and can’t come tomorrow? In a mess of tears and the smell of alcohol I fell asleep, wanting to skip the following day.