The One Without Words

❀ chapter forty-four | you should go ❀

"My dad wants me to move with him."

It was like even the clouds froze in the sky, the upcoming storm at a standstill as Jack spoke.

"Move?" I asked. "Where?"

"Germany."

"When?"

"February, I think."

The usual adrenaline hit at hearing him talk faded. I stared out at the others, now small and far away, wading up and down with the waves. We should get going soon, I thought.

Quietly, I asked, "Why?" 

He cleared his throat. "My dad... thinks it will be good for me. Like you said... going somewhere nobody... knows me. It'll be a new city. We'll be in Berlin."

"What about school? Leaving in the middle of senior year?"

Jack shrugged. He wouldn't meet my gaze. "We talked to the counselors. There's a way to finish the credits online and graduate."

"Oh." I felt like a stream of sand falling between a clutched hand. "So you're going?"

"I need to get better," he said, his tone neutral. "I can't focus on anything else. I'm doing everything I can not to... fall apart. I feel like throwing up just having this conversation. I practiced it in my head for two weeks."

The distance between us stretched out until I could barely feel his presence next to me, no longer hyperaware of every shift in his voice.

"It makes sense," I said. "To have that whole fresh start and all. But you're going to come back and, um, visit, right?"

He nodded. Kept rubbing the pebble he'd picked up earlier, fixated on it.

The Romy from a few months ago would have some sarcastic thing to say—like I bet you're gonna miss me the most or some other silly thing—but that Romy was somewhere else, and instead I was here, silent.

I had no reason to feel upset about this. It wasn't like I thought we'd go off on all these adventures together forever with nothing in our way. Honestly, I hadn't even thought of the future until this moment. Everything was temporary. I'd always known that. Him included.

Jack wasn't like me. After moving across the ocean, he hadn't fully adapted. And maybe he had to go back home. A home that wasn't here.

"Talking to me is a good first step though, right?" I asked quietly.

He nodded. "Thank you. There's a lot... I have to thank you for." His breaths shallowed—every few seconds he'd get choked up, almost stumbling over his words. "You changed everything for me. In a lot of unexpected ways. Talking to you... I realize how much I need it. How much I've just been... isolating myself. Ich weiß es nicht. I like being alone. But not this much."

Damn. Since when had me simply being myself ever helped someone? Something in my chest swelled, but I kept my composure. While Jack fixated on that little pebble, I looked to the skies, the sea—anything to make me feel not so small. That was something I'd always loved about Hawai'i—how impossible it was to feel closed in.

"I think we've been helping each other without even trying," I said.

He put up his hood, and this time, it stayed on despite the wind. He turned, glancing at my necklace again, and the smallest smile appeared on his lips. "Ja. But I think you deserve better."

"Deserve better? You're talking as if you're my boyfriend. I never asked anything of you."

"Because you're used to being independent and not needing anything from anyone," he said without missing a beat.