The One Without Words

❀ chapter fifty-one | jack's pov ❀

In the mirror, my reflection's eyes are red and tired. He looks so dead inside I can't believe it's me.

My dad bangs on the door again. "Jack!" I'm zoning out, my ears ringing, but I think he's asking me what I'm still doing here.

Just crying over the girl I left behind.

It would be nice to lock myself in an empty stall until I remember how to breathe again. I'd rather not have to face anything at the moment. And that's the problem. That's always been the problem.

"Jack!"

I step out the door.

"Was ist los mit dir?" my dad asks me, glaring.

There are a lot of things wrong with me, I want to say. But I can't. I've lost the voice I don't remember how I found to begin with.

My dad grabs my arm and pulls me like a child toward the line where everyone is boarding.

And I have to stand there, still, and try not to collapse. I have to pretend the crowd doesn't suffocate me, all these people walking back and forth, talking and moving and thinking about their own problems and delays and what they're going to do during their flights and...

I shut my eyes. My mind takes me to the forest in the snow. Me and Romy freezing in the dark.

Take a deep breath, she'd said, holding my hand. Imagine you're inhaling all the air around us. Hold it. I'll count to five. When I get to five you let it out. One. Two. Three—

But she's not here. It would be very wrong to let her words help me now. I don't deserve it. I'm just running away from everything. Again.

What if I went back? What if I left my dad here and left the airport and took the metro back to the city? What if I ran away? But I can't move; my feet are stuck to the ground.

My phone vibrates. It's just a text from my mom.

I love you so much Jack I wish you a very safe flight! Please let me know once you arrive in London. I miss you already 💜😢

The seconds until we step onto the plane last too long. I'm so anxious I go numb. I'm not Jack anymore. Not mute boy. Not anyone. My therapist said this is disassociation. But I need that instead of breaking down in front of all these passengers, my dad, the flight attendants. I can't start thinking what if we crash what if we die what if I fall fall fall down to the earth and disappear?

I lean my head against the window. It's easier to pretend I don't exist as the plane rises in the air. I'm microscopic.

I promise we'll be okay, I remember Romy saying when I thought I would die on that mountain. I don't feel much different now.

I think of her. Her when I kissed her. Or was it she who kissed me that first time? I hate that I don't remember the specific details—everything was so intense it scrambled my brain. I think of her at the flower shop smiling and proud of a bouquet she created. Her at the beach. Her under the stars. Her on the second last year turned into this year when I told her I loved her. I doubt she believes that now. But I meant it.

But I won't forgive myself for making her cry. The girl who didn't need me to change for her but still called me out for everything, not accepting any of my excuses. The girl who kept joking about being a sociopath but let herself care about a freak like me.

I wish telling her sorry could be enough. I wish I had the words for a proper goodbye.

I don't know if she'll ever want to see me again.