Better Days

three || some sort of confession

when i was five
i was blissfully ignorant and naive
blind to the cruelties of life
i spoke with an accent
and rarely talked
because i didn't have the words
to bend to my will
and explain all that i meant

when i was six
i was finally opening up
as i thought i had mastered the language
i started speaking more often
and actually raised my hand
confident that i could tell them my thoughts

when i was seven
i finally realized the truth
that i was still lower than everyone else
and this was made aware to me
in the harsh environment of a playground
i learned how judgmental
a child could be
when never taught to have a filter

when i was eight
i was still struggling through
getting over those comments about my speech
to this day i still remain self-conscious about it
having never fully recovered
i started stuttering a little
and my thoughts were faster than my words
and all in all
my capabilities were limited immensely

when i was nine
i was learning to cover my flaws up
not wanting to be exposed to more teasing
i would learn sooner on that it was a great mistake
for i should've corrected it before it got any worse
but i was young then
young and unaware
that life would have more hardships than just that

when i was ten
i was as happy as a child could be
nobody could hope to bring me down
i was drifting in cloud nine
high in euphoria
how i wish i had never done so
for sooner or later
i would have to come down
and sometimes
it's not always a graceful landing

when i was eleven
i was learning to be confident once more
but you would think i had learned my lesson
still i remained unknowing
and continued on
thinking i was better than i was
i wouldn't call myself arrogant
merely over confident
i know now how annoying i must have been
i would receive hurtful comments
but merely brush them off
how i wish i kept that skill now

when i was twelve
i was nearing the end of my high
but i hadn't known that then
i thought i had become rather popular
that i was well liked and exceeding
in all areas of life i had been in
but i made a wrong friend
put my trust where i shouldn't have
and i would learn sooner on from my mistakes

when i was thirteen
i was getting into this very website
writing and making friends
i had a close knit group that i had always wanted
and thought nothing would break us apart
yet my life outside was snowballing down rapidly
too much pressure and i would crack
so i built a life for myself inside of my dreams
one where i didn't feel the same way
but the dreams got too strong
it blurred with reality
and suddenly everything was different
i was aware of what i was doing
but at the same time, powerless
i could do nothing to try and stop it
i couldn't live with myself in my actual life
so i lived out my dreams virtually
i became this other girl who
didn't face the same things
and i could piece together the old me
so maybe she was me
she was all along
but i lost her in the hurt

when i was fourteen
i was putting back together
pieces of broken memories
i let my dreams get too far
my perception of life
had gotten way too out of hand
i fixed myself quietly
i had to stop my dreams
they had gone too far and too long
it took time but it finally ended
but i now had to face
the people i had dragged
into the mess i had made
i had hurt a girl especially
one i thought was a sister
but even sisters can become estranged
i was trying to come up
with the right words to say
everything i had done and why
but i was at loss as to how
and then it was too late
she was gone
she had left
and i was alone

now i am fifteen
and i'm still working on recovering
although maybe i never will
i can't explain fully
what i have done in my years
because i can't even think straight
i'm clouded with guilt
i'm stained with sins
i'm forever reminded of my mistakes
and i can't go back
what's done is done
but what's more
is i can't undo the scars i have made

i suppose
what i'm trying to say is
do not pin your dreams on the stars
they will not fall for you