PITYING THE PRISONER | p.jm

s i x - j i m i n

It feels good to be home. It feels good to be here with my hyungs and to just be home where I belong. And yet, something in me is fighting being here. I am— for reasons unknown— completely and utterly guilty.

Jungkook looks at me yet again. He seems so fascinated by the fact that I'm here, that I'm both alive and unharmed. Everyone's eyes have been on me all day. I appreciate the gesture, but it's mildly unsettling in a way. They're just happy I'm alive, but something about it makes me feel like an animal in a zoo, constantly gawked at by passerby. I can't wait for things to return to normal. Jin sits beside me, not touching the food in front of him. This is admittedly very uncharacteristic of my eldest friend, and I understand that something pretty big must be working itself out in his head for him not to have already devoured his meal.

"Are you alright, Jin hyung?" I ask tentatively.

No response. I try again. "Jin, look at me."

Still nothing. "Kim Seokjin! Answer me!"

Finally, he responds. "What? Did you say something?"

"Jin, are you okay?" I ask again.

"I'm fine, Jimin," he states unconvincingly.

"If you were okay, your food would be long gone by now. Talk to me."

Jin takes a deep breath before speaking. "How did you do it, Jimin? How did you get out of there all by yourself? Did they hurt you? You've been so quiet, I'm worried about you."

That's when the guilt washes over me. I left her, I left her to be killed, captured, tortured. She wanted me to, but it's still eating me alive. I'm living when a life out here is all she ever wanted. I should've stayed, and let her go.

"I didn't do it by myself. I hardly did anything."

"What do you mea—"

"I miss her."

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"I need her."

❂❂❂

With great disdain, I find myself in my cell yet again. Breakfast is sitting next to me on the ground, cold and unappetizing. I eat it anyway.

My thoughts collect, and I piece my dream back together, doing my best to understand the chain of events that unfolded within it. I had escaped, of course, but I didn't quite feel free. I had presumably left Cora behind, and that was tearing away at my happiness, my thankfulness for being alive and home. I really cared that much about Cora, that even though she was totally gone from my life, essentially forever, I still wanted her by my side.

That, at least, is accurate. When Cora kissed me yesterday, I certainly felt good. She surprised me quite a bit, of course, but it was pleasant shock I felt. However, I don't know if I really feel the same way she apparently does. I'm certainly drawn to Lee Cora, her presence is very much comforting even when she acts with me, and she seems to be rather open with me, as well. We trust each other, and I think that's something we both greatly need. In my dream, though, I seemed to care much more about her than I currently think I do. I may have even loved her there, but if dreams are— as I've been taught—  a reflection of the subconscious mind, does that mean I truly do love Cora even now? Or was it just a dream of nothing in particular?