Fighting the Losing Battle

Chapter 7 - An Endless Void of Meaningless Time

Hi! It's me! Back with Chapter 7, though I'm afraid it is a shorter one, as life is busy right now! Please let me know what you think!

Unedited - Will be edited later (may contain spelling/grammatical mistakes!)

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Lukas POV

I have been pacing for the last two hours and twenty seven - no, wait, twenty eight - minutes.

It may seem strange that I know this. But ever since her...well, I've been painfully aware of time. Time is passing so slowly; every second is an hour, every minute a day. Each hour stretches out before me, an eternity. An endless void of meaningless time.

I turn frantically in my room, not so dissimilar from the way I was earlier. When I thought my team was dead. When I thought I was alone. So much has changed since then. How can it possibly have been only a few hours ago? So much time seems to have passed since she arrived.

The room is too small. Before, it was small, I knew that, but I could convince myself that it was cosy. Not anymore. Now it is trying-to-squeeze-me-to-death small. Not cosy. I can feel the walls closing in on me, claustrophobia drowning my mind, crushing the oxygen from me. I feel my chest get tighter, and each breathe becomes shallow, more painful, more laboured. I can't stop thinking about her. I've never felt anything like this before, and I hate myself for feeling...whatever it is that I'm feeling now. I hate the lack of control I have over myself. I can't escape it – the moment I laid eyes on her, I felt such an intense surge of emotions. And when her eyes met mine? I felt instantly both trapped and strangely free. The rest of the world disappeared. All I could see was her. Her face. Her beautiful, beautiful eyes.

And, in that moment, I knew.

I knew that she was unlike anyone I had ever met before. She wasn't like them. She was different.

I may sound clichéd, like your typical love-crazed teen; you may not believe me, but honestly? I don't care. I can hardly believe it myself, but then life's like that. It throws something, completely unexpected, directly into your path, and leaves you to deal with the consequences alone. And sometimes what it throws creates mess and pain and broken pieces and heartache. But sometimes, just sometimes, life throws you something glorious, something that causes you to feel so much joy, like you're walking on air, you feel so light and free and you don't have a care in the world. And it's those moments that you wait for, that keep you fighting for something, that restore your faith in humanity. It's those moments that make everything worth it. All the pain, all the loss, and the hurt. All forgotten in those sweet moments of golden bliss. Those brief moments, they keep you alive. They are the reason that people keep fighting to survive; even when times are tough; even when you just want to give up, to end it all.

And I have a feeling that life has just thrown me one of those moments.

I have never believed in love at first sight, I never much believed in love at all, if I'm honest. Even as a young child, it never made much sense - love seemed to be so fragile and temporary. It wasn't ever something that lasted - at least, not for Mom. But there was just something about her, something about that look in her eyes, and I just knew. There was something about that look of complete determination in those eyes, despite the pain and fear that she felt, evident from her body language. I couldn't break her gaze, no matter how hard I tried to. It was like her eyes were the ocean, and I was drowning – the harder I fought against them, the weaker I became. I could feel myself giving into her powerful stare, could feel myself growing closer and closer to just letting go. My heart was pounding, double-time. I was ready to embrace death, if it meant I could drown in those magical whirlpools of wonder. I was just seconds away from blissful agony...

And then she blinked.

Or rather, she closed her eyes, as though blinking, but they didn't reopen immediately, like you would expect. Instead they remained shut, eyelids twitching slightly. Almost as though she was trying to open her eyes, but was unable to do so.

And, free from those tormenting eyes that I was so drawn to, I came to my senses. I couldn't believe how close I had been, to just giving in, giving it all up.

I had to get away, before I crossed that line.

And so, with every ounce of strength I had, I left. Disappeared from that shadowy doorway, with only the thought of escape on my mind. I just left. Walked away. Every step took me further away from her, and I ached to turn back, to return to her, and somehow help her. Clenching my fists, I fought that urge, not even allowing myself to look back in case my will shattered. Her face flashed before me with every blink, making my resolve to walk away a thousand times harder. Still, I walked on, not knowing where I was headed, not caring, as long as it was away from that tower, and her.

Somehow, I managed to find my way back to my room, subconsciously.

And I have been there ever since, pacing back and forth. For two hours and thirty three minutes, just pacing. Going crazy, insane with worry and need and confusion. So many emotions. Too many.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have experience in this kind of thing – I've never really been that interested in anyone before, not like this certainly. I don't know what happens next.

All I know is this: even though I have left her behind in the tower, even though I am alone in my room, even though I don't know her, have never conversed with her once in my life, even though she should mean nothing to me... I can feel those eyes burning into mine, a constant flame – the image is scalded into my retinas, and remains unchanging. Even when I walk away, I can't escape her presence.

God, what has happened to me? She hasn't even been here a day, and already I can't get her out of my head! What has she done to me!?

I wish I could find a way to gain some control over my emotions, to save myself from the heartache. Because, the truth is, no matter how you feel for someone, sometimes you just know you are going to get hurt in the end. Sometimes you don't get the choice, you can't decide whether it will all work out or not. Sometimes that's not your choice to make. Sometimes, duty has to be put before your heart. Sometimes, you just have to put them out of your mind, and move on.

You have to just let them go.

And sometimes, when you really care about somebody, when you would do anything for them, letting go can be the hardest thing in the world.

I know I should let this go, let her go, stop these irrational feelings before it's too late, before they intensify and overpower me.

But the thought of losing her hurts like hell.

Irrational, I know. Deep inside, something tells me that she could be the most important thing in my life. And I can't quite bring myself to throw that opportunity away. Not yet.

But I have to.

I must.

I have no choice.

I am irresistibly drawn to her. I can't explain it. But I also can't deny it.

And that is bad. Very bad.

Because, until now, I had forgotten why she was even here. Forgotten that she was, in fact, their prisoner. Our prisoner. I had forgotten the life that I lead. Until now. She has consumed my every thought since she arrived, unconscious, defenceless, yet still somehow determined to fight them. Us. I have my duty. I have a job to do. And regardless of my feelings, I must follow orders. All orders.

As much as I know it will hurt, I know what I must do. I must avoid her. At all costs. I can't afford my feelings to develop any further. I can't allow myself to even see her, if I can help it.

I must put a stop to this. Now. Before I fall any further.

And even as I decide this, I can't escape the one thought that pushes itself right to the forefront of my mind, the one thought that lingers long after my decision is made.

I think I might be falling for the enemy.