Done Playing The Game | ON HOLD |

Six

"Aspen! Come back!" Ryder calls, running throughout the house. He's nowhere near me, on the other side of the house. I hid myself in the walk-in kitchen closet, leaving the light off for seclusion.

"I can't believe I just did that." I whisper to myself, gripping the necklace in my hands. I promised myself that I wouldn't love ever again. I can't believe I just laughed, smiled, was nice. The things I used to do. And it felt...amazing. Maybe that was the real me. Maybe I am hiding.

"But, you can't hide from yourself. Can you? I mean - ergh." I argue with myself, trialling against the voice in my head. I take a deep breath, letting a breath of air clear my thoughts.

"Aspen! Please!" Ryder runs past the closet, obviously tired from running around the house. I decide to just come out and stop fighting with myself; I open the door, stepping out into the open. Just as Ryder begins to turn around, I want to change my mind and hide. But, I've done enough of that.

"Aspen..." His voice is soft and comforting and makes me want to cry even more. I just grip the necklace in my hands, somewhat comforted by the necklace rather than the memories connected to it. I find myself trembling as his eyes gloss over, searching me for clues.

"Ryder?" I close my eyes, biting my lip where our lips just connected.

"Mhm?" He chooses to not to say words, humming back to me.

"I'm scared." I truthfully say, slowly blinking my eyes open. I feel a heat rise to my cheeks before it rushes away and my eyes start to burn instead.

"Of?" The inevitable question.

"Of being myself. I don't know how to handle these things so I didn't. That's not me. I always knew what to do. That's the Aspen I used to be. But, I don't know how. I'm scared, terrified. I -," and I break down, falling down just as I had before.

Ryder rushes to my side, picking me up and placing me on his lap. I cry in his hold, shaking, letting it out.

"That's natural." He rakes his fingers through my hair, speaking into my scalp. I let more tears fall from my eyelashes as I try to understand.

"How do people just move on? I don't get it. It doesn't seem right, it doesn't feel right." I choke through sobs, gasping for air.

"You move on by letting go. You need to learn to let go. Sometimes it's worse holding on and it's better to let go. I can help you. I'm here to pick up the pieces."

"I'm not ready to let go. I never was!" I yell, angry at myself for letting the one I love slip out my fingers. I didn't chase him, I didn't stop him...I just - fell.

There's no comforting words coming out Ryder's mouth this time, making me even angrier. "You can't help me! I'm better off being broken! Hiding under black and hiding from society! You're no help to me," I pause, daring to spit out the next words, "You're just there to love me until you want to. I hate you."

With that, I run away.

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I had writer's block for a while but i'm back with an update. But anyways, i'm trying something new. Text mmwatt to 81010 if you want text updates and text me without exchanging numbers. It's cool, trust me. I'm going to try to update you guys daily and send out inspiring quotes and maybe like tips and life hacks daily too.

love youuuuuuu x
-mariah