Fifty Shades of Mutual Anxiety

Quiet Before the Storm

Walking into Phoebe's nursery, decorated in a green-and-yellow jungle theme, Ana was immediately struck by the soothing smell of her newborn. "Ah better than the new car smell," Ana joked to herself.

She looked down at her and Christian's little creation in awe, stroking Phoebe's face as she gurgled in recognition of her mother. For now Phoebe resembled her, but Ana could see Christian's features beginning to take shape. She wondered if she'd wind up with two carbon copies of her husband on her hands.

Gingerly picking Phoebe up from her bassinet when she began to fuss, Ana rocked and cooed her over her shoulder as she wandered over to the master bedroom. Unclasping her nursing bra, Ana carefully settled herself in the bed to breastfeed Phoebe, enjoying their quiet bonding time.

It was always a welcome break from the fatigue that weighed on Ana this time around. After Teddy, she had plenty of energy, even though his birth had been so much more physically grueling. Phoebe's lightening-quick delivery seemed to sap her strength, though, and she found herself needing as many naps as her newborn. The doctors said Ana was healing well and that each pregnancy was different, but the emotional toll of her postpartum hemorrhaging coupled with Christian's anxiety and the sheer effort of running after two children instead of one had left her spent.

As for her eating, her appetite was healthy — just not as ravenous as it was after Teddy's birth. She had shed a lot of her pregnancy weight, which she sure as hell wasn't complaining about, but her obsessive, megalomaniacal husband wasn't too happy about it.

Ana had held her tongue every time Christian scolded her about not finishing her plate. They had just begun being intimate with each other again and she didn't want to spoil their reunion. In one week they'd have the green light to fully reconnect. But the thought of making love to her husband didn't elicit the usual physical reaction. Instead, her body stiffened as Ana's worries about her post-pregnancy body resurfaced.

"Sorry Pheebs," she said when Phoebe sensed her mom seize up.

Ana didn't have long to dwell on her insecurities. "How are my two favorite girls?" Christian asked as he walked in, his face beaming. Taking his favorite position behind Ana while she breastfed, legs outstretched on either side of her as she leaned back onto his firm chest, Christian had the perfect view to admire his wife and baby girl during these special moments.

"So beautiful," he said reverentially, encircling his arms protectively around both of them.

"Feels like I did this just yesterday with Teddy. I can't believe he's started school already. Every day he's so anxious to get out of here," Ana said wistfully.

"I know," Christian simply said, a sad undercurrent to his reply.

"I'm proud of you."

"For what? Letting my son go to school?"

"Yes! Getting you off that home-school fantasy was no easy task," Ana said, remembering the fights they had when it was time to send Teddy to kindergarten. It was only when Christian personally upgraded the security system at the private academy they'd chosen — already one of the most secure in the country — that he relented and let his son go.

"Well, I gave up on that fantasy Mrs. Grey. Now the only fantasies I have involve you," he said, nuzzling her ear. "And in one week we'll be able to indulge in all of them again," he reminded her.

He thought he felt her tense slightly but then Ana turned her attention back to their daughter, still latched on her breast. Her tiny belly full, Phoebe began dozing off. Ana was envious — she could go for a nap too — but it was time to get ready for work.