aesthete :: ashton irwin | au

t r es ¡

NOTE: this chapter contains self inflicted pain, don't read if uncomfortable/no hate will be kindly appreciated.

_

We all get the feeling when you realize that you can never escape the world, reality. My feelings were just worse.

I sat on my bathroom floor with a sliver staple in my hand and my sweatpants pulled down. My father knew my situation and he tried his best to keep sharp objects away from me, by locking cabinet doors and giving me safety scissors.

Anything sharp did it, so I relied on staples and occasionally broken pencils. It was abnormal, I knew but something this wrong felt so right. I knew he cared but I still felt like something was missing, something a job and leaving two kids by themselves couldn't give. If my mom was here it would be different, it's because of her my life was arduous.

This one was for embarrassing myself in Math class and tripping Lizzie, I recalled. Most people would think I wanted attention because these were pathetic reasons to hurt myself, to me it's not. Then again I'm not most people. They didn't understand me, that's why I kept this form of harm a secret. Teenagers today self-harm because they want to fit in, I was seen as no different in the eyes of everyone else.

I was different, Doctor Greene told me I was wrong for loving pain but that's what happens when you've lived with pain for so long.

Sliding the sharp object against my skin, making double the cuts with two ends. I pressed down into my flesh, watching myself tear apart and leak out. I repeated my action five more times, bringing up the memories of this week where I did something that I wasn't pleased about.

I cut myself open only to fall in a vat of memories that shredded my pieces into dust, I was at my lowest form but life still went on.

I wiped off the blood that cascaded down my leg with a piece of toilet paper, watching the red liquid diffuse into the white tissue. I felt no shame and that's what bothered me, I was destroying my life but blinded by my mistakes that whispered obscenities in my head, making me see the need to punish my lifeless body that only needed assurance from someone, I could be okay.

I flushed the bloody tissues down the toilet, getting rid of the evidence and covering back my bare legs. I winced a bit getting up and the fabric rubbed against my newly formed cuts as I walked out of the bathroom down the staircase, grabbing my hoodie and then proceeding outside. The autumn winds whispered in my ears, sending chills down my back giving me this feeling of loneliness and abandonment.

I needed to clear my brain and have my minute of escape from the world, I rode my bike to the one place that I could think of. The pain on my left side didn't bother me when I peddled my bike, I savoured the feeling of pain and drank up all my worries.

The smell of fresh wood from pine trees filled my nostrils and the dry, autumn leaves blew in the wind, falling carelessly in all directions, the wind in my hair made me feel infinite as I stared my bicycle to the direction of the old stone bridge. I leaned my bike against the oak tree that stood firmly by the edge of the river. I threw pebbles in the water, watching the ripples disappear and the water becoming still again.

I missed my mom, she would know how to cope with my situation because she herself was in it. I wrapped my arms around myself, pulling the sleeves of my hoodie further down to my wrist. Tears cascaded down my pale cheeks and a rush of blood proceeded towards my head, this couldn't be happening, at least not here. I noticed there was someone standing on the opposite side of the bridge, wearing a tank top and black skinny jeans; clothes that definitely did not suite this weather. This made me even more self-conscious, she didn't look at me I tried to keep my emotions in but they always seemed to boil over into a hot mess.

I hated myself, I hated being 'special' or so Doctor Greene called me. I just assumed it was a fancy word for freak, I hated how my dad was never there for me and I just longed for the day to come when I could be normal. I hated when people said I should be grateful, for what? A life full of misery and greed?

My heart palpitated, almost wanting to jump out my chest, my hands were shaking and I began breathing heavily. I took a few steps back, my mouth was half opened and silent sobs escaped my mouth as I raised my hand to wipe the snot unto my sleeves. I was the definition of a human wreckage.

I saw her, the same ebony coloured hair she had thirteen years ago, the black bags sagged underneath her eyes, which were stained glass red. She managed to climb on top of the bridge railing and I wanted to follow her, I missed her and I needed her. I was shaking I couldn't think straight, much less climb on top of a bridge. I looked at my trembling hands that turned a slight pink colour and then up again, she was gone.

I looked down unto the surface of the river below, seeing nothing except a few leaves or small twigs floating above the surface of the water. I rubbed my fingers against the stones which were built into the bridge, finding some peace to calm my myself. Maybe she jumped and the fast current took her, but this wasn't real.

++

It happened to me, again. I lied on the bed of fallen leaves that rested on the earth's surface, closing my eyelids. I thought about my happy place, here in this moment where nothing mattered and I was free of guilt and memories stored in my sub-conscious.

Leaves rustled and some fell on my face, my arms were spread out and I made leaf angels. My mom told me that whenever I felt like this way, to make an angel and I won't feel so lonely because a superior being was with me. I closed my eyes and thought about nothing, the world was blank, I didn't exist in this moment and it was good.

The sound of twigs and leaves being trampled on was heard and I realised that I had company. This instantly meant that it was time for me to leave. The footsteps were heard louder as I got up, dusting off my clothes and hair, dragging my feet back to where my bike was left.

"Hey." Someone said behind me, I froze, reluctantly turning around and my face gazed upon the brunette taking about six seconds to realize who I was talking to.

"U-Um hey Lizzie." I spoke, I tried to keep my face emotionless as possible but I sensed my cheeks flushing to a red colour. Adrenaline rushed to my brain, I got that clenching feeling in my stomach and my hands began to sweat.

"Ashton, right?" She smiled.

"Yeah, I think." I replied, forgetting my own name for a moment.

"Okay......" Was all she responded, looking a little creeped out.

"So what are you doing here?" She questioned, my mouth then refused to open.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned back, playing with the thread that hanged from my hoodie.

"I'm investigating Suicide Bridge." She whispered in my ear. The name itself was self explanatory. At nights when the raging waters flowed and the atmospheric temperature was below average, numerous persons have said to jump over and drowned. I wouldn't blame them, living in a place like this wasn't exactly a place I'd call paradise.

"Uh....okay." I responded, turning away from her to go back home.

"Ashton," she paused.

"Yeah?"

"I don't usually invite people but do you wanna go on a mission with me?"

++

Sotd: Imaginary Enemy - The Used

Whenever you see '¡' next to a chapter title then it probably is an inappropriate chapter.

I am not glamorizing self-harm, I'm just interested in people who suffer from disorders and this book is basically about my research and thoughts. It might not be clear right now as to what's gonna happen but please give this book a chance.