Centuries

Drowning

A week passed and not a text from Justin. No returned phone calls, either. He wasn't even at Longpoint. He's been avoiding me, and lately Margy has been sick. I've been left to my own devices for too long. I managed to organize my entire room, I also discovered Charlie doesn't have a facebook. Not that I checked. Well, I just sort of noticed. Anyway.

My mind kept drifting off to the last night I saw Justin. After he had stormed off, Charlie told me I was his soul purpose of existence. He'd been so casual about it and so forward. Charlie is pretty weird though. Groaning, I hurl my face into my pillow for the millionth time this week. Charlie has been on my mind way too much.

I ditched school to avoid him, I can't have him thinking we're friends. He won't go away then and then Justin will stay mad. My laptop binged from my desk and I fly off my bed to get to it.

It's a facebook message. I run the mouse over my messages and click it.

Justin sent you a picture.

Bing! My laptop goes off again.

Justin sent you a video.

I click view messages and wait for my laptop to load. Suddenly a picture of two half naked girls in Justin's bed fills the screen of my laptop.

The video pops up, waiting for me to press play. I'm about to when it shows Justin is typing.

Don't worry. They're just friends.

My heart shatters as I fall back into my desk chair. My stomach twists and I turn to the wastebasket, my breakfast making a second appearance. I wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve before slamming my laptop shut and changing into a pair of shorts and slipping on some tennis shoes. I pull my hair into a tight ponytail and rush out the door.

The adrenaline pulses through my veins, anticipating what's to come. I close my eyes and breath in slowly. Quickly letting out my breath, I take off running. I run for the edge of town, my feet pounding on the hard cement. The wind whips around my face and through my hair and I close my eyes taking it in.

I take a sharp turn through the park and into the forest. Trees fly by me, and I jump over roots. I feel my arm snag on a branch but I keep running. My throat starts to burn a little as my diaphragm stretches. My heart rate is picking up as I turn to race up the hill next to our crappy little town. My calves ache like they do every time I race up to my cliff.

My mind battles itself, the images of those girls burning in my mind. A montage of the last few years burn into my skull as I try to blink away the tears. He wasn't worth it, I tell myself. But I tried so hard. I put so much in. And for what? I wasted my breath. My veins are torn between pumping anger, adrenaline, or sadness.

Abruptly I stop. I feel like I'm drowning. Suddenly I find myself collapsed on the ground, the tears never ending. I can't fight the sob that escapes. My lungs heave for air as I struggle to breath. My throat tightens as I feel myself about ready to vomit again. Leaning over, I prepare myself and soon my stomach lunges. The tears won't stop as I cough up more vomit.

Why do I even care? My mind screams at me. I couldn't love him. He hurts me. He doesn't even care.

Because he's safe. He's safe to me. He let's me be me. I know how to handle him. It's all routine. I don't want to lose him. But he's not good for me. I'm scared to be alone. But being alone is better than being with him.

Pulling myself together, I wipe my mouth on my shirt, and stand up. I look around, my eyes searching for something to bring me back to reality. I notice my rock at the edge of the cliff and walk toward it, my legs feeling numb.