Paralyzer || Barry Allen (The Flash) Fanfiction

Chapter 14: Confessions

 The next few days were hectic as I put aside fighting crime to focus on ridding myself of the darkness. Obviously, Barry did just fine without my assistance, but it didn't quell the yearning I had to get back out there and help the city. Still, I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors if I ignored the task at hand, seeing as I would have no powers at all if this dark force within me continued to grow. Each day its effects seemed to grow stronger and stronger. We were desperate for a result.

Caitlin had been right in her assumption about me being able to radiate light from other areas than just my palms. And I didn't need a light source to do it which backed up the idea that it all came from the light I already had flowing through me. While I'd managed to spread the effects up to elbow length as well as from my feet to my knees, I couldn't seem to push the light farther than that. Try as I might, it wouldn't budge.

I was currently sitting in a lounging chair outside of the lab as I soaked up the sun's rays. Although the light I used came from within, it still depleted my normal supply enough that I needed to reenergize every hour or so. It was almost like I was sun tanning without actually tanning. One major drawback to literally soaking up the sunlight.

"What if it's linked to emotions?" Caitlin mused aloud, and I glanced over at her. She was relaxing out here with me, though she was under an umbrella. If she stayed in the sun the amount of time I did she would probably be more burnt than the things I tried to cook.

"Like...?" I drawled.

"Well," she began, "have you ever felt more powerful because of certain emotions?"


"I guess," I shrugged, though I knew it was true.

I was reminded of the night I'd run out of STAR Labs because of everything that went on with Barry due to Max's presence. I'd been so hurt and so angry that I had felt more powerful than ever. However, with that surge of emotional power was a sense of darkness and an inability to control my abilities. I'm pretty sure this dark shadow within me would only thrive off of emotions like that rather than help my light to spread. Caitlin seemed to understand what I was thinking, and she sat up in her chair and turned her body to completely face me.

"I'm not talking about the bad emotions," she elaborated. "Pain, anger, fear, sorrow — those won't help you. Those are the emotions usually attributed to darkness, the Yin, if you will. That's what I think this shadow of yours thrives on."

"But I was at my strongest when those feelings were running through me," I admitted. "I haven't felt that powerful since then."

Caitlin didn't respond for a moment, just looked at me with a sympathy in her eyes. "When was the last time you were happy, Haven?"


"That's a silly question. I'm always happy when I'm around you guys."

"No," she stated before backtracking. "I mean, sure, of course you're happy to help stop crime and have friends by your side. But I know there are things that still weigh you down constantly. I see it every day. The fear of not being good enough, the frustration you feel towards yourself when you can't figure out how to use an ability... The unrequited love for Barry."

"That's not—" I tried to deny, but she held up her hand.

"Haven, I've seen the way you look at him when you think none of us are paying attention. I've known it for a while, even before you knew how you actually felt about him." I broke eye contact with her and looked to the ground, my cheeks heating with embarrassment. Was it really that obvious? "And I know that you'll take him being your friend as long as it means that he can still be in your life. You convince yourself that you're fine with that, and I think to some extent you are. But it still hurts you to think you'll never have a shot with him and to see him pining over Iris."