The Pain of We (ON HOLD)

15

I heard your mom yelling at you in the morning from the main floor. She didn't like that I spent the night on a school night.

"Mom," you said, "I had to get her out of the house."

"Why? What was so god damn important that she had to get out? Please, enlighten me." I could imagine her crossing her arms.

You signed. "You wouldn't understand."

"Jarsen, I am older than you by many years. I understand a hell of a lot more than you do. So don't even say that."

"I've got to wake her up and head out. We can talk more after school." Then you were walking up the stairs and waking me up.

You tossed me an apple. "Come on, we need to get to your house so we can get to school."

I nodded and got up, following you out the door.

...

At school I thought a lot about what your mom said. She was right, I couldn't keep spending the night on week nights. But where else should I go? What else could I do?

It made my head hurt just to think about.

Maybe I could rent out a room in the liquor store. Candice knows my situation. Maybe she'd be...

No. Candice may be kind and worried about me, but she's not that charitable. But maybe I could pick up a few shifts for her. I'll ask next time I'm there.

I don't know. I can't know the answer to everything.

I'm just a kid.

...

"God, she so weird. I mean, just look at how she dressed." I heard this from the table behind me, from snotty rich kids. I knew things about them. One of them wasn't her father's child, both of her parents cheating on each other around the time she was conceived. Her best friend was less tragic, her parents just cheating on each other, only staying together until she was out of school.

Such lucky lives.

"I know. And she's been hanging around Jarsen, emo trash. Probably cuts for attention."

I stood up and walked off, wishing desperately you had the same lunch period as me.

...

After school I convinced you to take me to the thrift shop. I walked in and noticed how uncomfortable you got. I laughed. "Chill, you look like you're scared you'll get mugged." I said, grabbing a yellow basket and heading to the winter stuff. I noticed last night that I had lost my hat, and that my coat had one too many holes.

"Are you excited for Halloween?" I asked, knowing the holiday well, but never rich enough to partake. "Dressing up?"

"No, I haven't dressed up for years. Normally Kennedy has a big Halloween Bash I go to. My mom dresses up, and though. Every year she's a witch. She always hands out candy."

I nodded. "I've always wanted to dress up as a princess." I said. "I'm sure I did when I was little, before the accident." I picked up a hat and held it in front of my head. "What do you think?" I turned to you, smiling.

You shrugged. "I think you should wash it before you wear it."

"Why do you think I didn't put it on? I'm not stupid." I set it in the basket and moved on to the coats.

"Why do you look so uncomfortable?" I asked. "It's just a store."

You nodded. "I know... It's just..." You shrugged. "I don't know."

I wrapped my arms around your shoulders. "Ready to check out?"

You nodded. "Yeah."

...
We sat on the hood of your car. My dad had been asleep for a while and we were looking through the trees at the stars. I put my hands on my stomach, breathing in and out. Peaceful. Everything was so peaceful.

"If you could be anyone in the school, who would it be?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of the stars.

"That's a different question..." You thought for a moment, then said, "Aaron. I admire him."

"Aaron? You'd admire Aaron?"

You looked at me, propping yourself up on an elbow. "Don't you? Think about it: he's in all the smart classes, but doesn't use his knowledge in a showy way. He doesn't answer questions in class, but you can tell he knows the answer. Instead of putting himself out there, he sits back and watches everyone and learns so much about them, maybe more than we do from talking to each other."

I was watching you while you said all of this, then exhaled and turned back to the stars. "I see what you're saying, but I wouldn't want to be him."

You huffed, looking at the sky again as well. "Fine then. Who would you want to be?"

I thought for a second. "I wouldn't want to be anyone. I'd want to be me. But in a whole different set of circumstances."

"That was very deep, Poe,"

"Poe?"

"Yes. The Edgar Allen kind."

I smiled.

"Sometimes, I wish I died instead of Koda in the accident. That way, I'd be dead, and someone else would have to go through all my pain. But at the same time, I would never wish my pain on someone else."

You put your hand around mine. "That's very thoughtful of you."

"It's so weird. Maybe if my dad had one less drink, maybe if I sat on the right side of the car and not the left, maybe if my mom drove instead..." I dropped my voice, "maybe I would have never met you."

You shook your head. "Naw. We were always destined to meet. Somehow, someway, we would be together. And I can't picture myself any other way."

Your phone buzzed on the hood of the car once. You sighed and picked it up, looking at your text. "I've got to get home. I'll pick you up tomorrow, okay?"

I slid off of the hood. "Okay."

You leaned over, gently grabbing my chin in your fingers and pulling me to your lips. God. Your lips.

They're so kissable. 

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