The grey London sky represented my emotions; murky.
My shoes on the pavement and the wind blowing branches of trees were the only sounds I could hear. It was like everyone in the city had decided to stay inside, no doubt because of the weather. It looked like the sky was about to bring forth a flood.
I kept flashing back to the motel in New York. Almost five years ago. I'd been living in London for just as long. It seems like just yesterday we were getting high in cheap motel rooms and speeding down country roads in the truck. Sometimes I wish I could drive down the road in that old truck again, with the holes in the seats and the dents in the hood, and the occasional bullet hole riddled on the side, and cracked windshield, and the squeaky brakes, and the flat tire on the right side that made turns so much harder, but was so fun coast on at ninety miles per hour. I wish I could spend a night in those motel rooms again, with stolen ecstasy pills and crappy booze from a gas station, and the smell of Cal's cigarette smoke, and Ashton's drunken laughter, and Michael's occasional comments about how "the colors are so bright and beautiful" as he was pulled further down by the drugs.
I remember the last phone call I made to my parents. "I'm okay now, mummy. I wasn't okay but now I am. I'll be somewhere better."
I continued to walk towards downtown and raindrops started to fall from the sky. They masked the tears running down my face. There were others walking on the sidewalk as well now, all hurrying to get to shelter while I just couldn't care less. There was no place to go besides my apartment on the complete other side of the city, and I wouldn't bother to step into one of the shops since most of the things sold cost more than my life.
Everyone stared at me as I passed. What's not to stare at? Everyone was dressed in nice clothes and walked with a fashion of importance while every article of my clothing was ripped in some way and my shoulders were slouched as I walked.
For some reason I never got rid of the floral gun the boys and I had saved for years ago. I just couldn't let go of it. Not only was it my most valued possession, but the most expensive, and I could still use with the bullets I had hidden in my bedside table.
I ducked into a small cafe that didn't seem too crowded. I walked right up to the counter and placed a few wadded up bills on the table. "I'll just have the cheapest thing you've got." I said, hanging my head.
The girl at the counter frowned and glanced down at the cash in front of her. "I'm afraid you don't have enough." She said sadly, and quickly adding; "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. Just keep the cash." I said and walked right out.
I slumped down on a bench outside, not caring that the rain was soaking through my thin t-shirt. All I wanted right now was my boys. Everything I went through getting here was to see them again but I never did. I assume Ashton's working for a big computer company, he is smart enough and he's got the right experience. Michael's probably working in a tattoo shop and making lots of money for his amazing designs. I should know, I was the test subject for a lot of his early techniques. Calum is probably a big time model or something. He always said if he didn't get his life fucked up he'd go into the fashion field. Yet here I am, too poor to pay for a cup of cheap coffee.
"This seat taken?" A voice almost behind me asked. I shrugged and a boy sits down next to me, almost too close for comfort.
I glanced down at his hands that were resting peacefully in his lap. I noticed a small bird tattoo on his right ring finger, then I traveled up further and saw a rose vine weaving it's way up his arm, stopping at a line of nearly invisible indentations of skin.
Wings, chain, cigarette, tire, bird, star, beer bottle, key.
I glanced down at my own arm. Wings, chain, cigarette, tire, bird, star, beer bottle, key.
I looked up at his face, seeing a sharp jawline, followed by shaggy dark hair that just hung over his eyes.
"Cal?" I asked, catching his attention.
Calum glanced at me before breaking into a grin and tackling me in a hug. "Jesus Christ I never thought if see you again." He whispered.
My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking, but I couldn't help but tangle my fingers through his messy, curly hair. I can remember the days we spent driving through the wilderness in the early hours of dawn and a light mist would be falling from the grey sky. Calum used to stand up on the seats and lean out the sun roof, and when he sat back down his hair would be all messed up by the wind and the humidity. He used to shiver from the cold and Michael would drape his coat over his shoulders, whispering a quick "keep warm" before focusing back on the road.
"Have you seen the boys lately?" He asked, not really minding my hands that were still tangled in his hair.
I shook my head sadly. "The last time I saw you guys was five years ago in New York." I said all too quietly.
"You've got to come with me." He said, grabbing my hand and pulling me to my feet. "They'll want to meet you. They're downtown right now."
I let myself be dragged through the city, Calum grasping my wrist tightly as if might slip away. This reminded me of the time during the winter months that Ashton had surprised us and bought one of those roofs that go over the bed of a truck in case we didn't have a place to stay and it was too snowy to camp out. Calum was so excited when he dragged me out of the motel room to show me our new truck. Such a shame it's probably at the bottom of a river by now, along with my duffel bag that I had stupidly left on the seat. Sometimes I find myself reaching for the strap over my shoulder, a nervous habit I picked up after over a year on the run.
We rounded a corner into a part of the city if never been to before, probably because I hadn't ever been brave enough to venture out if my own little neighborhood, unlike today.
There was a small park with trees and a few benches along the paved path. A fountain was in the middle of the park, and two figures stood nearby, looking completely out of place in the lush green expanse.
I broke into a run, nearly getting hit by a bicycle, and crossed the road without a care. I could hear Calum's shoes slapping against the pavement behind me as he sprinted after me, not being able to catch up to me.
"Mikey! Ash!" I squealed and tackled the both of them to the ground, the two of them stunned.
"Oh my god." Ashton said, touching my cheek gently as if he was checking if I was really there. "Jesus Christ."
Michael smiled and laughed and hugged my tightly. "We found you."
Calum soon joined our group hug, hugging me from behind and resting his head on top of mine, and for the first time in five years, with all my boys close to me, I felt safe.
