Something Worth Living For [THG] // Finnick Odair

XIV

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

― Mahatma Gandhi

For most of the day I couldn't really concentrate as much. I couldn't stop thinking about the private session with the gamemakers. I still have no idea what will I do, maybe shoot some arrows or throw knives or do something with a different weapon. Finnick said the score is not important, but I can't help but worry about it.

As time goes by, the idea of dying hits me hard. I have only been worrying about training and learning stuff to survive, eating well, and not miss a session with Finnick. But this private session reminds me where I am and why. After the session we will have about two or three more days and that will be it before I'm sent into the arena. I may be dead in a few days, and it's only until now that that realization is overwhelming me. I had forgotten it, I couldn't stop thinking about it since I was reaped but here I have kind of pushed it to the back of my head. Finnick has kept me way too busy to even worry about it and his reassuring words makes me actually think I'll win, but there are times, like now, that I think I have only been kidding myself. I won't get out of there alive.

'Think about what people have said to you and use it as an inspiration to show them wrong.' I hear Fnnick's words in my head.

'You won't get out of there as a champion, but don't dishonour our family.'

'You are useless.'

'Can't you do anything well?'

'Why can't you be like your brother?'

'You're weak.'

'You can't do this, you can't do anything.'

The voices of my parents, my brother and some other people echo in my head, telling me over and over again the mean and awful things they have told me all these year. My blood starts boiling as I remember them. And once again I hear Finnick's voice. And in that moment I become determined to show them all wrong. To show everyone I'm not weak, I'm better than what they think I am.

My anger rises way too much that I have to get out of the gymnasium. About half of the tributes stare at me as I leave about an hour before I should. I practically run back to the apartment, to my room. I slam the door and rest my back against the door. I slowly slide down until I'm on the floor, crying my eyes out. Yes, crying. I refused to cry when I was reaped, I refused to cry when my father told me I was doomed to die, I refused to cry when my mother and brother didn't show up to say good-bye. But now I really do try but I just can't stop crying, all the emotions and feelings are finally coming out after I have kept them locked inside of me for so long, they are too strong to keep storing them in my heart, so I just keep crying my eyes out, letting my feeling out.

Enebry knocks on my door a few minutes later but I ignore her. She keeps trying but I don't even move an inch, I don't even try to hide the fact that I'm crying. I'm sure she can hear me perfectly well but I don't care anymore. Enebry eventually sighs and gives up. I hear her heels as she takes step after step, walking away from me.

I close my eyes tightly and try to stop it, but I'm too hurt and scared. I'm too broken and damaged to just keep pretending everything is fine, because it really isn't. I want to go home, I want to see the games, not to be in them and be part of the show. I don't want to die.

I manage to control my heavy crying to only sobbing and sniffling every now and then. I stand up slowly and make the way to my bathroom, I turn on the water and let it fill the bath. It only takes a minute or two.

I undress myself, throwing my training outfit and underwear on the floor next to the bath, and get in. The water is hot but nice. I rest my head against the white edge and close my eyes, and somehow I manage to relax a bit. The negative emotions and memories disappear. Every once in a while a good memory flashes in my mind, sometimes from my childhood, sometimes one of Finnick.

I feel so relaxed I don't want to move ever again. Normally the water would be getting colder and colder but the technology of the Capitol makes the bath keep the same temperature of the water, I can also make it hotter or colder with only pressing a button or two.

That kind of things about the Capitol aren't bad. The technology and new things. We only live in small poor towns, we have nothing like the people that live here. I couldn't even use the shower on the first day, there are so many buttons and options I didn't know what to press. At home, only the richest people shower with warm water, and they don't take baths like these, they only have a quick shower and get ready. The water and the rest of stuff don't get wasted in the Districts. I admit I'm wasting water by doing this, but I really need it. The warm water also helps me with my sore muscles all over my body, it relaxes them too. Like my arms, calves, the front side of my thighs, my stomach and back. They are all so sore from the multiple sessions with Finnick and the over exercise.

I had trained, run, and even done sports back at home but this is completely different. What I have been doing is taking my body to the limit, training hard for several hours. It has been tough and tiring, I have felt like giving up, to just tell Finnick to stop the sessions, but I won't do that. I wouldn't change it for anything. I know that what I have done will not be in vain once I'm in the arena, I know it will pay off.

After a few more minutes of doing nothing but keep relaxing, I rub my body with a sponge to clean it up. I usually take quickly showers and only do what's needed, but now that I'm taking time to do it, I can see bruises on some parts on my body. On my right hipbone, my knees, my legs, my right arm, and even a small green one on my cheek. I have some on my back but I can't see them without the help of a mirror. I have made most of them during the trainings with Finnick. The most part of the bruises has been made when he tackles me to the ground or pins me hard against the floor or a wall. I don't blame him, though. I also see the cut he did with the sword, it's healing really well.

I wash my hair quickly then. And once I'm over with it, I grab a towel and wrap it quickly and tightly around my body. I go back to the bedroom and choose a pair of blue panties and a blue bra. I put on some other green-coloured shorts I found and a grey shirt. I dry my hair with the towel, and when I'm done I just lay on my bed until it's time for dinner.

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