Sykes The 'Psycho'

Joining the Livestreams: Day 1608

Eighteenth of December two thousand and twelve.

I was off school for Christmas. And I was going to be doing something incredibly stupid. I was going on the livestream.

We'd gotten special permission from Social Services, and they dictated what would happen in regards to my visibility on the stream. I was thankful that Hannah was going to be there too, and that we were going to do a horror livestream. Both myself and Dad had been unsure about it, but I'd wanted to experience it at least once.

So we were having Mr Owl on the second camera. I wasn't going to be shown on camera. Hannah would be on camera instead, so that the viewers had someone to look at. It scared me a little bit, it really did. I was scared someone from my past would find out and stuff would happen. I had to try and get past that fear as I knew someone would figure something out eventually; I was too old to be Dad's biological daughter as he would've been too young to have had a daughter when I'd been born. As far as the fans were concerned, we were biologically father and daughter. Dad hadn't revealed my age but my voice would probably reveal I was too old to be his naturally. But then again, I hoped he hadn't told them how old he was.

"Hey, you ready?" I looked over at my dad standing in the doorway. I nodded as I unplugged my phone from the charger and turned it off at the plug. He led me out of the flat and we went to his car. "Are you sure about this? I can always phone and tell them you're not going to go on," Dad said. I was thankful he was concerned about me and whether I was OK with doing this or not. He was a good man.

"No. I wanna do this. Besides, it'll be fun. The viewers will get to know me a bit. They've heard about my from you and no doubt would end up doing things to find out who I am if we didn't do this sooner." I told him. He nodded and leaned over and kissed my head.

"You're so brave. I love you, Jesse," Dad said. I smiled a little as we put on our seat belts.

"I love you too,"

He drove us to YogTowers and we talked aimlessly. It was fun to talk to Dad about some of the most pointless things because he mostly made me laugh.

I would sometimes find myself comparing him and Sparkles* and I didn't like it when I did that. I'd think of something my dad would do to amuse me or at least put a smile on my face and a thought would come to mind about Sparkles*. They were similar thoughts - mainly how Sparkles* could do it better or how Dad couldn't do something like Sparkles* could. Or how Dad could do something that Sparkles* couldn't. And for the most part it made me sick I would think of such things, and I often found myself digging my nails into my palms when I did it, in some type of attempt to get rid of the thoughts.

It was a stupid way to get rid of the thoughts and didn't often work. I tried to be better and not hurt myself because if I was hurting one person repeatedly and that one person was myself, I was in no shape or form able to adapt to society. I needed to stop myself. I tried - I really did. My other ways were to kick the wall or scream into a pillow - all of these were when I was alone in my room. I would also draw on my body in ink that could be removed easily and not permanent markers or normal pens; I tried to stop hurting myself. The last thing I needed was to not be able to be in society; society was a huge part of our lives and we needed to be able to control ourselves so that we didn't cause harm to others or ourselves. 

That was one of the reasons why I tried so badly to not hurt myself or cut myself because I had to have self control over these things or I'd not be able to function correctly in today's society. I couldn't hurt myself repeatedly because that meant I was a danger to others and myself if I hurt myself all the time; it was the last thing I needed which was why I tried so much to have self control. It often left me tired and physically and emotionally drained. I didn't know how long I could handle it, but I was sure I'd have to tell someone soon.