Everything Changes

Chapter One- When Everything Changes

I guess it takes some things happening to change who you are. It can be things that seemed so trivial before they happened. They can also be things that, when looked at from a different perspective, seemed absolutely life changing. It's funny, however, that when these types of things happen, they seem to have a different effect than what is actually imagined. Those things we looked at, the things that terrified us, they were actually the more trivial parts of the grand scheme of life. However, those stupid things that we brushed off of our shoulders, the things that we said "that'd never happen to me" to, those things seem to be the things we let change us. It seems to me that the things we forbid to let define us are the things that define us the most.

I'd always been told that the worst things happen to good people. Now, to some people, that may be true, but to me, I saw it as bad things happen to the people that can handle it. I guess it's time to tell you my story.

{June 27, 2011}

When you're 13, and you've grown up with all the guys, you learn to not let the little things bother you. At all. So when one of your brother's best friends asks to put his leg up in your lap, you really don't even think about asking why. You just let him. I guess that's what really started it. The depression, the self doubt, the wondering if you're even worth it. And then, when he starts doing things that are different, and threatens you to not tell anyone, you just don't tell anybody. Then, it all changes, and you find the courage to tell someone, and then the years just flash by. Suddenly, you're having to walk around with somebody on your hip. Everywhere you go. This place, it was supposed to be your safe haven. The one place where you went that you felt completely at peace. Now, you walk around this place with what feels like eyes in the back of your head. And it's insane to think about what you could've done differently. If that first day you would've maybe pushed his leg off of your lap. Or if you would've just told someone... but he was scary, and he was older. Most importantly, though, is that he's your brother's BEST FRIEND. And the main thing going through your head is, "What will my brother say?" or, "Will my brother even believe me?" However, the most important moment is when your brother finally finds out, and he believes you, even if he does hate to. He, as much as you, never wanted this to happen to you. Especially from someone as close to the two of you as this boy was. Then, within what feels like hours, your dad finds out, and he has the same reaction your brother did. Except, daddy's is always worse. How could something like this happen to daddy's princess? The first baby girl that dad had ever fallen in love with? "She's only 15" is all you ever hear your father say anymore, and it breaks you apart as much as it does him. Then in a short matter of time, guilt completely takes over who you are as a person. You start to feel like everything that goes wrong in life is your fault, and you start to apologize to everyone for everything. Your family starts to break apart from the inside out because they have to watch you do the same thing. They see you start to jump when people walk up behind you, or when your mom touches the bottom of your skirt in church, and your feet come off the ground. Then when you turn around, he's looking and he saw you jump, and he knows it's his fault. And the worst realization in the world is that it will never affect him the way it did you. He doesn't have to live with the side effect of it. It didn't ruin him.

Then, 2 years pass by, and you're 17 years old, and you realize that the things you went through were not to exactly hurt you, but to better you. Another thing you realize is that YOU got to chose how that life event affected you. You realize that those things, they made you more aware of your surroundings. In time, you start to look around, and you see the small signs that people think they're keeping a secret, but you notice, and you get to help the victim. But this CRAZY thing is, is that you went two years without ever talking to anyone about it but your mom, and now she's making you go through consoling with this preacher that moved into your church. You start to speak to him about what you went through, and your mom is sitting next to you, crying her eyes out because she doesn't even know all the things you're telling this man. She also knows the things you're keeping from him, but she'd never open her mouth. Those things, she realizes, are the things you needed to keep to yourself. She understands, better than anyone it seems, that there are things that you have to keep to yourself. And this recovery, although it may seem like forever, goes on for a few short months. It's probably the slowest day-by-day recovery that you've been through. The only word you can think to even describe the event is insane. But maybe, just maybe, that's all it is... insanity.