Everything Changes

Chapter Three-Finally Expressing Truth

"Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good."-Henry Rollins

{Railee Shaw's Point of View}

I honestly always thought that the hardest part of this journey, for me, was going to be the day I finally told someone outside of my family. Now, telling your best friend in the world should be easy, right? Except it's not. It was difficult for me to tell my dear best friend. I mean, she's only known me since I was like, 8. I would never want her opinion of me to change. I don't want her to look at me differently. It was actually amazing, however, when she encourages you more than anyone else.

"Railee, you know you could've told me about this. I would've helped you with it." Alexa, my best friend, replied first off.

"Yes, I know. I know that, I do. But there were things that he said to me, things that he threatened me with, that scared me. I didn't even want to admit to myself that those things were happening." I'd always tell her that. It wouldn't ever make a difference.

"I feel so useless," was her opening reply "I feel like I should have at least noticed that something was happening."

"Alexa, nobody noticed." This still didn't help put her at ease. "Not even my own mother noticed. He did it in private. He would make sure no one was going to notice it."

"Your mom didn't notice? How did your mom not notice? She notices everything." And that's when the realization hit. "Oh my gosh, your mom didn't even notice... "

"I know Alexa, I'm so sorry."

That wasn't the end, however. She would always question me about it. I knew she was curious, and that's okay. She did deserve to know the whole story. So when she'd ask her shy questions, I would always be a little more elaborate with my answer than the question was that she asked. I knew exactly what she wanted to know. She was just always very timid, simply because she didn't want to admit that it had actually happened. In all honesty, though, me being so open with her was more for my benefit than it was for her. She was the most curious person out of everyone I knew, so I used her to vent about what had happened. I used her willingness to know to finally talk about it to someone. When I needed to talk, I knew she definitely wanted to know what was going on in my mind. She wanted to help in any way possible, and she'd always beg me to let her help in some possible way. Little did she know, however, that just her asking questions helped me in so many different ways. It allowed to me open up, and, for a few seconds, become vulnerable again. With her, I was the young girl I was before everything happened. I was the young girl I was when this child became my friend in the fourth grade. I was that innocent child, that believed that there was nothing wrong in the world. I believed that every time we talked, I could stop being the grown up that I had to become in a short period of time, and I could just be that little girl again.

Not only, though, was it hard to tell Alexa. It suddenly became hard to tell anyone. I kept my mouth shut for the longest periods of time. I felt like, at all points, that I had to keep it to myself. "It'll break their hearts" I would always tell myself. So of course, I just would rather not say anything to anyone, not even those I considered family. It was incredibly hard for me to not say anything, it seemed. As time passed, it got harder to not say anything when people asked why I would break down at random times, and when I would lose my mind when the guys I had known for a lifetime stood behind me. I realized, however, that they were just trying to help.

Telling people never gets easier, or so I thought at the time. Time passed slower to me. I was aching on the inside to tell people why I was the way I had become. To most people, it seemed like my change had happened over night.

"Rai, why are you being so weird lately? You've never had a problem with me standing behind you." Stated my best friend since pullups.

"You know, Peter, I don't really want to talk about it. Just,.. don't stand behind me anymore, okay?"

That was the end of that conversation. Of course it was hard to lie to him. I knew why I didn't want him behind me. I trusted him, yes, but it was not easy to trust. My trust for boys had been completely shot. I tried hard to not let it affect my trust with those that I had known since we were "knee high to grasshoppers," but it never really worked out that way.

Finally, though, it became easier to open up. I remember the day very clearly..

"RAILEE TAYLOR SHAW COME HERE." Shouted the voice of my, what seemed, incredibly angered best friend Peter.

"Oh good gosh, what have I done now, Peter. You never use my full name." I said with a smile on my face.

"Uhm, how long have we been friends, Rai? WHY WOULD YOU NOT TELL ME." He yelled again. As the words dawned on me, the smile faded from my face.

"Tell you what, Pete?"

"Don't you play innocent with me, Railee. Alexa told me everything." It hit me then. Of course she did! They had only been dating for 2 years. It would only make sense that she'd tell him.

"Well, I should've seen that one coming. I didn't tell you because... because I was scared, okay? It's not something that you just go around shouting to the world. I'm not going to tell everyone I meet that 'Hey, I got sexually abused by a guy I've known my entire life.' It's terrifying. And the way that you're looking at me right now, that's another reason." He looked at me with so much sympathy. "I do not want sympathy from anyone. I don't want to be looked at differently, I don't want to be treated like a sad science experiment, and I most definitely do not want my best friend to think poorly of me. Of course I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to look at me like I'm fragile, or broken, because I'm not. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I thought I was protecting myself." I took in a long breath. I needed to get that all of my chest.

"I'm so sorry, sweet girl. I am. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I'm sorry that you feel that way. But know one thing for sure, I won't look at you differently, and I won't treat you like you're fragile. I won't treat you like you're broken. If that's what you're scared of, then there's no reason for you to be scared. Not a single one of the people that know and love you are going to treat you any differently."

That was the day that made it easier to be able to open up. I simply remember what he said about the people that love me not treating me any differently. He was right, so I've found. The people that I've felt needed to know still love me unconditionally. They don't look at me differently, they don't treat me like I'm broken, and they don't seem to even let it affect who I am to them. So, yes, opening up did get easier. But do not let me fool you, only those who it was a necessity to know, do know. They are the only ones who need to know, so that's why it's easy to open up, and to be able to finally express who you are.

*a/n; This is not a long chapter, nor is it a strong chapter, and for that I apologize. I hope that you like this story. If you do, please LEAVE COMMENTS AND VOTES. And hey, recommend it to a friend. I am loving writing this, I hope you are enjoying reading it as well.