Everything Changes

Chapter Two- Trying to Make Sense

*A/N I apologize so hard for this update taking so incredibly long. I promise that it'll never take this long again, or so I hope. I have not had access to wifi, but I will probably update again this week. I already have the outline for most of this book. So here it goes, Chapter Two.

{Railee Shaw's Point of View}

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. -Edgar Allan Poe

Everyday seems, to me, to be more confusing. It seems the more that I think about those crazy years in my life, and try to make sense of why I went through it, or what I went through, just makes it seems so much more confusing. And that insane feeling? Is that even normal? Is it okay to feel like you're going crazy thinking about it everyday of your life? And that answer, I came to find, is YES. That is okay. But that doesn't make the why an easier to decipher. And my mom just keeps telling me that it was "experimental." That he was just curious.

"But Rai, that doesn't make any of it okay."

Your reply will probably sound like, "Hey mom, why does it STILL feel like it was my fault?"

And her answer, "Honey, you know it's not. Nothing you could have ever done would have made it your fault. You didn't know he was going to do something like that to you."

The years will fly by, in all honesty, and the most horrific thing is that you still feel like it's your fault. {No, it is not your fault.} No matter how many people tell you that it's not, though, can make you believe that it's not your fault. Guys will come and go. They will come in a boyfriend or bestfriend form. Who knows why you can't seem to ever be comfortable with them. Especially if they're older. But I always knew why. I always knew it was another one of those things I'd have to live with forever. The consistent need to be the one walking behind them, instead of the other way around.. yeah, you know. It's because of HIM. It's because you lost all of the trust you had in humanity when he hurt you in the worst way of all.

"Rai, why do you always feel uncomfortable with me walking behind you. I won't do anything, I respect you too much." my best friend always questions. He knows why. I mean, he's only my best friend.

"You know why. Why would you even-"

"But you know I wouldn't-"

"And I don't believe you would. I honestly don't.. but I didn't expect him too, either. I'm just protecting myself, Mark."

No matter how many times I would say that to him, he still didn't understand. I didn't know why it never made sense to him, but often times, it hit me. How could it make sense to him? It hardly ever made sense to me. There were always the jokes, too. The jokes that most girls wouldn't laugh at, but the ones that I would go absolutely stiff at, and he would always notice, but it would never change anything. The jokes would always remain the same, whether I would stiffen up or not. He also knew, though, that I couldn't stand the thought of things changing just because of something that happened so many years ago. So, I guess he did respect me that much.

How many times do I have to think through this? The pain, the misery, the sorrow? Why, absolutely WHY do I have to keep thinking about these memories of things of years ago.

It seemed to me that those questions would always circle in my head. It felt that they'd say there forever. It wasn't until I got older, however, that it started to make sense. It wasn't until a year after it all stopped that it started to make some sense. It has never fully dawned on me, and it probably never will, but here is what I tell people when they ask how I dealt with it;

"First of all, it takes many months, or sometimes even years to start to be able to realize that it just happened. It did. It happened to me. Number two, I feel like that battle was hand-picked for me. Maybe, with my story, I could reach out to help people. Maybe, in the long run, that was what was meant to come out of all of this. At the same time, maybe not though. But even if it isn't, that's what I'll use this for, because it seems to be the only thing that makes sense. It's the only thing that doesn't eat me alive with guilt. Absolute last, however, is that in the long, grand scheme of life, is that maybe.. it was all an accident. Maybe it wasn't supposed to happen to me. I don't believe that, though. I do not believe that it was accidental, nor do I think it was a coincidence. In life, things just happen. You have to face the facts that they just happen. And sure, maybe it isn't fair, but it did happen. I just refused to let it worsen me."

"You are so incredibly brave" and "Wow, I can't believe this could even happen to you. How do you do it?" are sometimes the hardest things to ever respond to. I don't think I'm brave. I just think that I've finally made sense of some things. Sure, they don't make perfect sense. But if I'm honest, I don't believe it will ever be perfectly clear. I will just continue to let what happened to me be in my past. Where else can it go? There was a time where I let myself believe that it was always going to be a part of my present, but that all changed. So it's true, the story may never change, but perspective does change. And in the end, that's what really helped me make some sense of the accident. Maybe that's when the entire thing changed.