Everything Changes

Chapter 4- Other Truths Revealed

                                                                  {Railee Shaw's Point Of View}

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Joe Klaas

Now, they always say that the first step to recovery is denial. I don't find that to be true. I think the first, honest step to recovery is getting really pissed off. After that, maybe some denial. For me, these steps happened;

Anger, pure anger. I was nothing but angry at myself, at him, and everybody that came into contact with me.

Realization. I realized that I wasn't alone.

Then, anger. Anger at the thought that I wasn't alone, and that there were people around me that were very close to me that had gone through it.

So, let me tell you exactly what happened.

Seven whole months after it stopped happening with me, we went on our youth trip to church camp. A six hour ride, there and back, and we spent five whole days in Alabama. It had been seven entire months since my pain had ended, and I certainly didn't expect the next thing that happened. We were on our way back from church camp where he had apologized to me many times throughout the week. He and my best friend, Leah, had gotten very close over the short week we were there. She didn't know what he had done to me, however, so when he asked her to be his girlfriend as we were headed back from camp, she didn't hesitate to say yes to him. When I found out, I warned her against going out with him, and she got very angry.

"You're just saying that because you like him, too, and you're just jealous that he chose me instead." Was her reply after I warned her against him.

"No, I promise jealousy is not the issue. If only you knew the things that happened." I stated as calmly as possible.

"Then tell me what happened." She retorted. And of course, I couldn't tell her. She would think I was lying to her.

"I can't. You'd hate me forever. You wouldn't believe a word I was telling you."

But she insisted, so I did end up telling her. She, of course, believed me, but she swore it would not happen to her. She had insisted that he had 'changed.'

And then it did. It happened to her. We stopped at Cici's Pizza, and he did the same thing to her that he had done to me. He completely caught her off guard in the game room of the restaurant. It was horrible for her. When we got back on the bus after eating, she was almost in tears, and although I knew she was angry at me, I still needed to know what was wrong. I guess there was a good amount of concern written in my forehead creases, because all she did was glance, and she started to cry.

"You were right. He did it to me, too."

"I want to say I told you so, but I won't do that."

"Go ahead, I know I deserve it. I should have listened to you. You've been my best friend for years, I should have known you wanted to protect me."

"Are you okay?" I asked genuinely.

"No, but I will be."

"Well, did you break up with him."

"No, I didn't think about it, I was scared. I should probably do that now."

So she did exactly what I told her to do. She got to use some angry words, and told him she never wanted to see him again.

Even though I'm glad she decided that honesty was the best policy, it truly was angering. The thought of knowing that I wasn't alone made me so angry. Angry at the jerk who had hurt both of us, and angry at all the jerks that had hurt other people.

There was that horrible realization. The realization that there were teens, and adults, and even young children going through the craziness I was going through. It is so hard to let the truth become clear in your head. It is crazy to believe that there are people that you have to reach out to, because some people were struggling with the same exact thing. It is harsh, so incredibly hard, to let your eyes open to what happens all around the world. For some people, in some counties, this is a normal thing. This is something that they grow up with, and for them there is no escape. They don't get to just tell their parents, and all of it can stop. They can't go to the law with it, because there's not a single law against it. It is extremely difficult to allow yourself to put it into your mind that there are other people out there that have to fight the same exact thing on a daily basis that you are fighting. It was the longest war that I had ever fought, and sometimes I got weak. But when you have the opportunity to look behind you, and see a slew of people that are with you. Although it may tear you up, it also encourages you. It encourages you to stay strong for those who are losing their strength. It encourages you to keep moving on for those who are falling behind. But it encourages you to keep marching toward the finish line for those who feel like there is no end, and for those who feel like it could never stop. It's for those people who never thought that they could make it out, and maybe they're losing every single bit of their faith in humanity because of this horrible, tragic event that happened. It's for those people, the people who need your strength to add to theirs.

After that happened, however, it seemed that things started to clear up. I started to see that I wasn't fighting this battle by myself. Although it took me a year or so to realize it, I finally realized, and I hated it. It broke me into so many different pieces. It shattered my heart, because I never wanted to believe that someone else knew the immense pain that I felt. I never wanted to tell myself that there were other people who had to go through a similar situation. It was horrible, but that's kind of when I realized that I was not alone in my battle. Even though my family and friends were there for me, they didn't know what I had gone through. I wasn't alone in this war, I had only just realized, I had an Army.