The Sun and Moon and Stars

Chapter XVIII

"She's gone."

Frances and Julian both turned to face the voice. The doctor stood in the doorway to the parlor, his carpetbag in one hand and his bowler hat in the other. His mustache overtook his lips.

Julian stood up from where he had been sitting at the kitchen table. "Gone?"

The doctor nodded. "If you want, I can take her back with me to town. Instead of having the coroner come for her."

Julian nodded stiffly. "That may be for the best."

The doctor sighed and shook his head. He placed his hand on Julian's shoulder. "I want to express my deepest sorrows for all the pain these past couple days have brought you."

Julian looked at the hand uncomfortably. "Thank you, doctor."

Doctor Roland didn't notice. "I can't begin to understand your grief."

"Yes..."

The doctor sighed and squeezed Julian's shoulder again. Julian almost cringed.

And then he left out the front door, perhaps to fetch a carrier for the body.

Julian turned back towards Frances and sat back down at the table. "I guess this is it. She's gone."

"I'm so sorry." Frances sat down beside him.

"After all these weeks...months even. I guess we were just so focused on when this moment would be, that we didn't even think about what comes afterward."

"You grieve."

Julian met her gaze, his eyes sad. "I'm not sure I have any more tears to give."

Frances pressed a hand to his chest. He didn't pull away. "You can grieve in here. You can't ever run out of heart."

***

The fire blazed but there were no bottles in sight. Frances stood behind the sofa, just having finished putting Jem and Rebecca to sleep. They had been easy, as if they were tired out from all the death and grief in the house.

Julian's mess of dark hair blocked the fireplace from where he sat on the sofa.

"You know, it is all my fault." His voice made Frances jump.

She stepped forward. "I didn't know you could hear me."

"I've always known you were there."

Frances took a seat on the couch beside him, keeping a few feet in between them. "Every night?'

He nodded slowly, his face glowing. "Every night. I didn't say anything, because I didn't care. The...bottles made me not care."

He leaned on his knees and turned to look at her. She pulled her knees to her chest and tucked her feet under her housecoat. "It's not your fault," she said.

"Yes, it is."

"Not entirely."

He didn't respond.

She looked down at the small flowers printed over her knees. "The night Winnie....you know...she told me that she wanted to touch the moon again."

His eyes bore into her.

She almost couldn't continue. The shame. "She wanted to go back to the day we all touched the moon. And I was sad, so sad. I told her that I too wanted to go back to the night. I wanted to live that night over and over again. I never wanted it to end. And so I agreed with her. I didn't warn her against the dangers of the touchable moon, so far out on the water. I didn't even think of the possibility that she—" Her voice hitched in her throat. " —that she—."

Julian placed his hand over her shaking ones. "It's okay, Frances. You didn't know. I didn't know. She didn't know. No one did."

Frances nodded, but her heart still felt as if it was slowly fossilizing.

They both turned to face the fire. The heat made Frances' face feel tight. She bit her lip and glanced at Julian from the corner of her eye. He seemed placid, almost peaceful. Perhaps it was time...

"I have to leave, Julian."

His face darkened. "Leave?"

She nodded, even though he wasn't looking her way. "Yes."

"Before Winnie is even buried?" His voice rasped like sandpaper and Frances winced.

"I have to, Julian. If I don't leave now, I never will."

He placed his head in his hands. "Would that be such a bad thing?"

She sighed. "It would be the worst."

He got to his feet. "You can't leave now...the children need you, Winnie needs you. I need you." He walked around the couch and leaned against the wall beside the window.

She followed him. "Julian, I can't stay here. It wouldn't be right. It is bad enough that I feel the way I do, but I can't live like this. Like a mistress or a—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Julian interrupted, his voice steeled.

Frances pulled back. "Don't you think we've hurt Helena enough?" she asked, nearly whispering.

"What are you talking about? Helena is gone."

"Only just! You are—were—a married man, Julian. I shouldn't never have felt—shouldn't be feeling—this way about you. I can't dishonor your wife's memory by taking away the only things she had in life the second she's gone."

"Frances, you have to stay. You can't leave us now. You have feelings, and so do I. You can't just run away from them!" He walked right up to her, her eyes level with his neck.

Frances wiped the tears from her cheeks. She had thought she had run out of those. "Yes, I can! And I should have, weeks ago! Anything we feel for each other is wrong, so wrong."

Julian's brow furrowed. "No...they can't be wrong."

"Well, they aren't right."

Julian backed her up against a wall. She cowered under his furious eyes. "Julian, please."

"You can't leave, Frances." He placed his hands beside her ears.

She stared up at his glowering face with eyes wide. His entire body was shaking, his eyes glistening as if he had downed an entire bottle.

She choked on a sob. "Don't you dare kiss me."

His face softened and he stumbled back. She waited for him to re-harden after a moment, but he just stared at her with defeated eyes. She slipped out from the corner and raced up the stairs, sobbing into her hands.

She heard him turn to watch her go.

She didn't even care if the children woke up. She burst into her room, slamming the door behind her and pulling her dresser before it, a picture frame slipping off and crashing on the floor.

She didn't care. She threw herself on her bed and clutched her pillow to her chest. She toed her way under her blankets and hugged her pillow.

"Oh, Winnie..." she sobbed into it. "Why did you have to be stupid? So stupid and selfish and beautiful?"

She turned to look out her window, but her eyes blurred the stars. "Why did you leave us?"