Love/Fail

Chapter 26

Annoying Pinspiration Quote #26

"The past, like the future, is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilities."

I don't want to see it, don't want to experience it, but the scenes keep playing and I am helpless to do anything but watch...

...The paramedic lifts my hands away with a sympathetic look on his face. "You've done so well," he says. "You can stop now, Miss, we'll look after him."

But he doesn't hurry as he resumes the chest compressions, and I catch the glance he shoots at the other paramedic. They don't believe he's coming back. I collapse back to the carpet amid the filth on the floor, clutching at my heart, feeling it crack open inside my chest.

Jade is still beside his feet, weeping and calling his name over and over. "Rupes! Rupes, please wake up! I love you! Don't leave me. Don't leave me, my love..."

But even though it hasn't been said, we all know he's already gone...

...At the hospital, they call an official time of death. Jade is hysterical, clutching at me and screaming senselessly. "He can't be gone! I didn't get to tell him I'm sorry! How do I fix this? How?"

Someone gives her a shot to calm her down, and they lead her away to a private room. "Do you need anything?" asks a faceless nurse.

"No." I need to feel this for it to begin to be real.

"Someone needs to inform his family."

"I'll do it."

I call his parents from his phone. They sound lovely, excited to answer a call from their son, surprised to hear me on the line. Woodenly, I explain what has happened, and the sound of his mother's keening will haunt me for as long as I live, the cry of a woman whose child has been ripped away from her unfairly.

"I changed my mind," I tell the nurse. "Give me something." I need to escape this moment, but even as I submit to unconsciousness, I know this agony will be waiting for me, ready to pounce as soon as I awake...

...I'm strong for everyone: for Rupert's family as they arrive in Hawaii, for Jade as the two of us fly back to England with his body, for the public as the story breaks. I allow myself to feel nothing because if I open the gate for emotion even a little, I fear the wave of grief will never recede.

I oversee the arrangements for the funeral; a public service at a theatre in London where he performed his first gig, then just the close family at the graveyard. I'm a rock the entire time, speaking eloquently, comforting others, but as I watch the black coffin start to lower into the ground, I break. I drop to my knees, the day grey, the world greyer because he is no longer in it.

"You idiot!" I scream at the hole in the ground, shoving away from the gentle hands trying to console me. "You fucked up, love! Is this what you wanted? For everyone to miss you? To leave a hole we can never fill? You win, Rupert! Thanks for nothing!"

I sob until I can't breathe, blinded by a grief that consumes all light and colour...

...Every possibility torments me, the thousands of choices I'd made when they still could have made a difference. What if I had tried harder to stop him from drinking? Should I have confiscated his pills? If I'd checked on him before going up to let Jade in that morning, would it have made a difference?