Being Ellie Aniston

Ch. 13 ~ Stuck in the Past

"'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well" ~ Taylor Swift

August 4th, 2015

Wedding preparations were in full swing now. We have had people transforming our yard for about a week now, and it was looking absolutely beautiful. My mom and Justin were going to tell our guests that it was a birthday party for him, and then surprise everybody once they were all here. Off course she had told a few friends. Courteney was going to be her maid of honor. I know that Lisa knows about it, and Sia since my mom is hiring her to perform.

My favorite part of this whole wedding thing was the fact that I was going to get to go with them on their honeymoon, along with a group of close friends.  I have loved Bora Bora since I was a little girl, so visiting there again was going to be great.

I've had mixed emotions about the entire wedding thing. I love Justin and I know that he makes my mom happy, it's just that part of me wonders what my life would be like if my parents were still together. If I think about all the things they could've done differently, and all the things that we could've done together as a family, it makes me sick. I was only two months old during my parents wedding. They didn't want to rush the whole getting married thing, so it wasn't really a big deal for them that they already had a little baby- me. It's so weird to me that fifteen years later, I'll be watching my mom get married again.

We haven't told my dad and Angelina about the wedding, and we're not planning on it. It would just be an awkward conversation to have. At this point, I don't even care if he gets pissed at me for not telling him. It's not my decision.

I go up into my room to just get away from it all for a while. This entire day has caused the hole in my heart from ten years ago to start getting bigger again. It's almost like the pain of my dad leaving me becomes something I can deal with and isn't there, and then starts to torment me relentlessly. Why weren't we good enough? Did he want more kids? My mom was planning on having more kids after Friends ended. I wasn't really part of their game plan, as I was conceived almost a year before they were married. Brad, Jen, and their little Ellie were the picture perfect Hollywood family. So why did he need to leave? Why did he agree to do that stupid movie that didn't even do that well?

Most people have read my mom's 2005 vanity fair interview. It's heartbreaking. And it's even more heartbreaking when I remember her sobbing as she went through the interview. I hadn't really taken in the full reality of what a divorce meant, but my mom breaking down had caused me to do the same. I remember laying with Norman on the couch and watching Cinderella while the interview was going on in the other room. As soon as I heard her crying I went in to comfort her, and started crying as well. This had been a constant thing every night since the divorce. Up until then, it was me who cried and my mom who made me feel better. But during this time, I felt this need to be there for her.

But now, years later, this pain comes back to me, but I can fully experience it since I'm not too young and naive. There's moments when I think of that Taylor Swift song, "All Too Well." I mean, I know for her it's about some guy. But for me, it's about my dad. I remember so much of my life with him, even though it was only the first five years. There's this one line that goes, "I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." I was only my old self when I was happy, and I was only ever truly happy when I had the seemingly perfect family. Before Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. Ever since then, the only future feelings towards my dad were those of hatred and anger. And no one should have to live this way. And I know that everyone thinks, "Ellie Aniston has the perfect life! I wish I was her." But I know for a fact that I am not perfect, and neither is my life.

I cannot continue to be sad about this, though. Tomorrow is my mom's wedding, and I'm not going to start crying about this and ruin it. I can manage that, right?

August 5th, 2015

Today is the day. The day that the media has been waiting for to obsess over ever since the engagement. But the funny part is that they have no idea that it's happening today, and that was something to find some joy in. They've dissected our lives ever since my mom got into this business, but tonight was all ours.

Chris was going to come over around noon to get my mom and I ready, but mostly my mom. All I needed was a quick blow out. I had slept until about eleven since the night before I had stayed up late catching up on Once Upon a Time. At least that's what I am going to tell people. I had really stayed up late watching footage of my parents wedding, old award shows where they came together, and even that Friends episode where my dad guest starred. The most painful thing to watch were interviews with us together as a family. Interviews where I would steal the show and start rambling on about a trip we took to disneyland, and how my mom was scared to go on some of the rides. I saw how my parents used to look at each other with such love that caused the question to run through my mind unceasingly: where did it go wrong?"

I grabbed my speaker and plugged it into the outlet in my bathroom so that I could listen to music while I showered. My favorite band was the Killers, so I put their latest album, Battle Born, on shuffle. Maybe it would drown out my thoughts that could cause a breakdown tonight.

I began to shampoo my hair with some of our endless supply of Living Proof. And then I just focused on singing with the music.

"You gotta know that this is real baby why you wanna fight it it's the one thing you can't choose... Let's take a chance baby we can't lose... Ain't we all just runaways...."

I realized that I had been showering for forty five minutes when the album began to repeat, so I quickly got out and shut off the music. I towel dried my hair and got out some Hollister dark wash shorts and a white ruffled tank top to just wear until I got changed into my dress.

I decided to make my way downstairs to find the backyard packed with workers finishing things up, and my mom and Justin on the couch.

"Good morning sweetheart!" Mom smiled at me and went over to give her and Justin a hug.

"You ready for today?" He asked me, smiling.

"Yeah. The real question is: are you guys?"

"The most ready I've been in a while."
My mom replied, glowing.

Was that it? Were Brad and Jen just not ready to get married?