Dear Insanity

xIt's Good For Youx

Ah! Guys! Im out of cheese doodles!

No, haha. Well I am , but that's not what im excited about .-. I got MY FIRST BANNER! It was made by a creative girl named Amarquez, who i'm dedicating this chapter to C: Thanks so much.

 x3 Song of the chapter is Eat That Up, It's Good For You, by Two Door Cinema Club. I'm having a TDCC phase lately, and the song fits the chapter. You'll see in the end :D

As always,

xxx.

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Four days.

It's been four days since I've last spoken. My lungs felt fine, and I knew I could do it- I was just afraid to. Ever since I let those two words escape my mouth everything's gone downhill, and I won't let it happen again. If being mute kept my friends and family close to me, so be it. I knew I was being selfish ~ But honestly? If you had the choice, wouldn't you do the same thing?

That wasn't the first time that's happened. I was told by Luna it happened a month earlier, in the first week I had come home. It was right after my incident with the graveyard, which explains why I couldn't remember anything after Gabriel finding me. I had freaked out and punched his jaw, only stopping when Luna took me to see their graves again.

So here I was, in the car with Luna. My hands were trembling, adrenaline running through my veins since the moment I realized where we were going. The last time I saw their graves I went off the deep end, to the point where I actually let Gabriel hold me. 

She pulled over on the side of the road, giving me a sad look before trying to squeeze my hand. I pulled away just in time, though, looking out the window. "Are you okay?" She asked softly.

I nodded, stiffly unbuckling my seat belt and taking a deep breath. Before me, the gravestones scattered and broke into the mist, fading away like cartoon-ish shadows. I bit the inside of my cheek, knowing that three of those stones belonged to my  family. 

I gripped white roses in my hands, my mother's favorite flower. When they were alive, it had disgusted me in a way. I mean, what sane person loves the flower famous for death? But now that they were in my hands -in someone so clearly insane's grip, nonetheless-  I realized the true beauty of them. Their petals were soft and velvety, the spiral leading to it's core a gorgeous sight.

"Alexxa?" Luna called out my name. "I found them."

I took the bouquet in my right hand, ignoring the sharp pain of the thorns and walking slowly behind her. My feet crunched underneath the late November snow, seeming so loud in the eerily silent graveyard. Luna fell back to let me catch up to her, stepping in unison to me after. She reached out to wrap an arm around my shoulders, but I flinched back and walked a few paces away. 

Seeing the hurt on her face sent a pit of guilt to my stomach, but I couldn't do it. Touching someone means getting closer than they already are. And although I was grateful and pushed to have some kind of relationship with my family and Gabriel, touching them seemed to go too far.

She stopped at three gravestones that were familiar. I traced my fingers over the writing, picking up the bloodstained, dried roses from the last time I was here. She took them from me, holding them while I dropped the new roses onto the platforms of the marble.