Atramentous: A Solangelo AU

The Tempo Of The Universe

I think the thoughts of the world must be deafening, not just in volume, but in impact. The weight of my own thoughts was already so much, pressing down against my shoulders, threatening to crush me, and then asking me to carry it without complaint. I couldn't imagine seven billion times that. Seven billion times the amount of pain and confusion, ideas struggling against each other. Seven billion whirl-storms of joy and hate and sadness and love that were all so completely different, and yet all of them were suffering in their own way.

I wondered what Will's whirl-storm was like. I wondered what kind of awful things he kept trapped inside, hidden behind his bright eyes and brilliant smile. No matter how happy he seemed on the outside, I knew there were things he struggled with. We all have a little bit of darkness inside us, after all. This world won't let us leave untainted.

My fingers chafed at the fabric of my jeans like I was trying to erode holes into the knees. These were the kind of thoughts I usually had at three a.m., staring at the ceiling and finally letting the weight of everything seep in. The weight of the blows and the words thrown at me so carelessly. The weight of loneliness, of self-deprecation, of confusion and memories. I wasn't supposed to let my mind sink this far in the middle of the day when there were things all around to distract me. The droning of my teacher's voice, the view of the mountains outside, the way patterns of my desk twisted and folded in on themselves, the whispered comments and snickers of my peers throughout the class.

Today they were not enough to keep my turmoil at bay.

I drifted through school in a cloud of tired sadness. It was like I just wasn't willing to try to pull myself out of my slump, I didn't even try and hide from Octavian when he came careening down the hallway, when his eyes lit on me and his mouth curled upwards. I didn't run when he called Percy and Jason over, Frank was nowhere to be seen. I didn't even try to hide the way their taunts and insults cut into me. I still flinched when their fists and shoes hit my flesh.

It stung, but it didn't matter, I was used to pain. It was an old friend. That was a lie. People don't get used to pain, they just tell themselves they do.

-

It was a Saturday and the air was chilled and as sharp as a knife against my cheeks. I thought it might snow later.

Will and I were on the roof of an empty building near Vinylust. Hollie had shown us this spot a while ago, she said she came here after work sometimes because the city lights looked pretty at night and it was a good place to think. It was taller than most of the buildings in this area, and everything gradually sloped down for a while from this point, giving us a pretty good view. We were sitting in silence, the only sound was the large 'FOR RENT' banner behind us, fluttering in the slight wind.

Will was staring in the other direction out across the city. The sun broke free of the clouds for a couple of moments and the light glinted off the buildings, making it hard to look at them, so I looked at Will instead. At least, that's why I told myself I was looking. I studied his profile, the way his cheekbones jutted out slightly, the sharp edge of his jawline. I could so easily reach out and trace it. . . stop at his chin and turn his face towards mine. . . his lips came into view and my eyes outlined their shape. . . I registered distantly that they were moving.

"--ks? Nico?"

My eyes drifted up to his and only then did I realize that I'd been staring at him. I snapped my mouth shut, willing myself not to blush. It didn't work. Will rose his eyebrows inquisitively, a small smile on his face.

"Will-- I-- it's not--" I struggled to explain myself, and then I sighed in frustration and defeat. We both knew the truth, so what use was it to deny it? It was that thought that tore the words, "Did it even happen?" out of my mouth before I even had time to realize what I was doing; they sounded exasperated and desperate.