Atramentous: A Solangelo AU

And So I Thought

Hate and love. They were words that everyone just seamlessly agreed shouldn't be thrown around carelessly. They were strong words. Opposite words with the same intensity. No one ever talked about the strength of the word "need," though. No one ever mentioned how terrifying it was to wake up and need to know that he was still there, how when I stretched out my hand, fingers searching out warm skin with his name the very first thing on my mind and on my lips and found nothing but empty space and blankets filled with his smells, I would have never imagined it would tear at me so much. No one ever mentioned how much it hurt to need.

My eyes fluttered open wide, scrunching against the bright morning light as I raised myself up on my elbow. I was panicking for some reason, like it wasn't a normal thing for a person to get up and walk around their house, like Will not being there was just the first step in him pulling away from me.

"Will?" I called, my voice was slightly scratchy from sleep.

Almost as if he'd heard me, his bedroom door opened and he stepped across the threshold, already showered and changed and wide awake. I felt a slight kick of annoyance and then affection. Morning person.

His gaze fell on me and he grinned widely, there was something wary and afraid about it, though. It made me want to drag myself out of bed and pull him into my arms.

"Look who's finally awake."

I flopped back onto the bed, burying my face in his pillow. Now that he was here, I just wanted to go back to sleep. I forced my mind to bring the next part to the surface instead of just letting it remain a suggestion in my subconscious like I'd trained myself to do with every thought like it, I want to go back to sleep. . . preferably with Will's arms around me. The words brought a tangled mix of anxiousness, excitement, and embarrassment like there was someone else besides myself that I was sharing them with. "'M not awake."

There was a silence while his bare feet made their way across the carpeted floor and then his breath was ruffling my bangs and his fingers were touching my cheek carefully. "Night owl."

"Early bird," I shot back, opening my eyes. Despite everything, there was still a moment of faltering hesitation where I stared into his eyes, so blue and so warm, and doubted everything, feared all of the possible outcomes, felt them press in against my chest like a physical force. There was a moment when everything hung in the balance, where I could have hurriedly climbed out of his bed, apologized for everything, and broken his heart all over again, but instead, I leaned forward and kissed him softly. He tasted like mint and I broke my heart instead, because I was afraid of a day when I would look back at this and feel only regret.

He wrinkled his nose at me playfully, "You need to brush your teeth, Neeks."

"Shut up, I'm not going all the way across the street."

"It's not that far."

"Hmph." I turned my face into his pillow.

His breath tickled my jaw teasingly the next time he spoke, "Then no more kisses." It took a trained ear to catch the hesitation in his voice, the lingering question. I thought it might have been, Do you care?

I actually made a little whining noise, which I can't say I'm proud of.

I heard him laugh, it sounded relieved. "Fine, you can use my toothbrush."

I looked up at him in surprise, "Really?"

"Nico, my tongue has been in your mouth, I don't really think it matters at this point."

I knew I was blushing and Will knew I was blushing and I hated that. "Yeah, but do you really want all of my gunk in your toothbrush?"

"Do you want to go across the street to brush your teeth?"