Atramentous: A Solangelo AU

Dissonance of Mind

It was strange, being in a room full of people and still feeling completely alone.

All around me, there were voices. Hundreds of them; laughing and shouting and joking. But it all felt a little bit distant. The hollowness in the pit of my stomach was slowly becoming a suffocating black hole.

Next to me, Leo was rambling about something, laughing at his own joke. I wasn't really listening, though. I was more focused on the irregular vibrations of my cell phone. Every single one signaled a text from Will.

Things like: Are you okay? and Please just tell me you're alright, and Talk to me, Nico. I'm worried about you.

I knew for a fact that he was worried, that he was probably chewing non-stop at his cheeks and lips and tugging on his hair, fidgeting. I should have texted him back, just a quick couple of words to put him at ease. But every time I opened up my phone, I just felt sick. Because he knew. He saw and he knew and no one was meant to know. No one was meant to have seen that.

I kept seeing the horror in his face when he looked at me. Kept reliving the desperate way he'd wiped away my tears and whispered to me. I didn't want to face him again, didn't want him to look at me like I was breakable and fragile, didn't want him to be scared because of something that was my problem in the first place.

"Nico? Nico?" I snapped my focus back to Leo's face, his lips were pursed tightly, his brows drawn inward. A muscle in his cheek twitched as he looked at me. "Are you alright?"

I nodded stiffly, my gaze slipping off of his face, "I'm good."

Leo just let out a disbelieving huff, "You don't have to lie to me, Nico. I know more of your secrets than just about anyone."

It was a punch to the gut, realizing that that was true. That Leo Valdez held all of the darkest parts of my life in his oil-stained hands and hadn't let them spill, not even once.

I dragged my focus back up to his face. Choked, "Last night. . . Last night, Will saw my bruises."

Leo blanched at that. And then quickly recovered. There was a long pause, a sort of not-silence filled with the echoing, meaningless tumble of voices from all around us, but still no words between us. "You know, that's not such a bad thing."

Now it was my turn to gape. "Really? Tell me, Leo, how is that not a bad thing?"

He threw his hands in the air, "How is it so horrible? How is it such a terrible thing that this guy that you care about so much knows that someone is hurting you? How is it just. . . so overwhelmingly awful that you might just get some help now? I know you're scared. And for good reason, too. Percy Jackson is a dick, Nico, but if you let other people help, then you can beat him for once."

My breathing suddenly seemed much heavier. All I could think was, If someone knows then I will have told and Percy will know that I told and it will only get worse. It's only going to get worse. I shook my head, gripping the edge of the table, "No, it's not. . . It's not that simple. If Percy finds out that I told--"

"Nico, if you tell, then there's no way anyone is going to let Percy near you again."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. Look, I'm keeping your secret because you want me to. . . but it's just. . . It's getting ridiculous." He didn't say it mockingly, didn't spit the words in my face or laugh. He just sat there and stared at me like he cared and it hurt because I didn't get it, I didn't get why he cared when all I ever did was dump my problems on him.