Tortured Souls (On Hold)

Chapter 12

I had on a pair of tight spandex, black micro shorts, and a deep-scooped neckline green top that hugged all my curves.  I had on my best push-up bra that made it look like my breasts were in danger of spilling over my top’s neckline like water gushing from a dam.  I had on a lacy string thong that left nothing to the imagination, under my clingy shorts.  My hair was down, but I had scrunched it with styling gel and a diffuser on my hair-dryer, so it had that kinky tousled look.  I didn’t go over-board on my make-up, as I didn’t think Samuel would necessarily find it more appealing.  Just the basics, green eyeliner to make my eyes pop, mascara and some coconut flavored clear gloss.

I couldn’t sit still.  I was wound up with anticipation, and the voices were oddly silent.  Normally, they would be encouraging me to do something crazy and irrational, like trying to seduce Samuel, but tonight, it was like they were away on vacation and no one was at home.  It is amazing how used to something you get, that when it isn’t there, even if it is something twisted, sick, and unnatural, you kind of miss it.  That train of illogical thinking proves just how screwed up I really am.  I wanted the voices to stop, so why do I feel like part of me is missing when they are silent?  Perhaps suicide isn’t a bad option after all.  What on earth am I doing trying to pretend I fit into this reality?

My musings were interrupted by a knock at the door.  He is here.  Time to work my magic, and forget the things I have no control over.

I let my mask of agitation and depression slide on so that I can play the part of a distressed, soul-searching young woman.  I can’t answer the door all happy now can I?

I go to the door and call out in a shaky voice, “Who’s there?”

“It’s Samuel, Tatianna.”

I stand behind the door as I open it to let him in.  I want him to enter before I reveal my true motive.  He hesitates a moment, but steps through, but not away from the door enough for me to close it.

“Please, have a seat, can I get you something to drink?” I ask to get him to keep moving.

He turns around to look at me, but the door is still blocking my entire body.  It is enough of a shift for me to close the door and lock it.

I turn and give him my full attention, or should I say the full view.  I am now blocking his avenue of escape and there is no way I am going to move to change that position, at least not yet.

“Tatiana, I think it might be best if I take you out for a cup of coffee.  I can see my earlier concerns were warranted, and coming alone was a poor decision on my part.”

“Samuel, I think for us to discuss things in a more intimate and personal way, having the privacy of somewhere personal is the better option.  I don't want to be crying and carrying on in some public place where other people can eavesdrop on my business.  It isn’t the kind of thing I want to share with anyone, even you really, but I am willing to see where this evening takes us.”

He has taken a few steps backwards and has put some space between us.  “Where do you want to begin our discussion?  Was forgiveness the topic you were interested in pursuing?” he says with reservation.

“I want to keep the voices quite.  Do you know how I usually accomplish that?” I ask in a somewhat challenging but friendly manner.

“I imagine you drink a great deal of alcohol or take some other drug.  You may even be cutting yourself.  Am I correct in those assumptions?”

“There is no fooling you, is there Samuel?  Yes, I have done both of those things in an effort to get them to shut up and leave me alone.  It works for a time, but they always come back.  I have thought about ending their voices permanently, why even tonight, I have questioned whether suicide isn’t the best solution to my dilemma.  However, there is a far more pleasant way to keep the voices quite, one that will keep us both happy,” I say as I take a step away from the door.

“Tatiana, this doesn’t sound like you want to talk.  If you are trying to get me to have sex with you, I can assure you, it will be in vain,” he says with confidence.

This is a first for me.  I haven’t come up against a man unwilling to engage in sex, especially when it is being served up on a silver platter, as I am doing now.  It shakes my confidence a bit, but I think a much more aggressive approach is in order.  I’ll see how firmly he stands on principle when I am naked.

He continues to walk backwards as I step closer to him.  I run my hands seductively over my breasts and down to the hem of my top.  I grab the hem and it is up and over my head in a flash.  His eyes get bigger, and he is not sending me the signals that he is getting aroused, but more anxious.  Anxious is something I can work with.

“Tatiana, you need to stop right now, or I am leaving,” he says as the back of his legs connect with the end of the sofa and he momentarily looks down to right himself.

That was all the time I need to have my shorts and thong puddled on the floor at my feet.  In the next second I had the clasp on my bar undone, and I was naked, and closing the distance to my drug of choice for the night, Samuel.

He was lightning fast in his reflexes.  He turned and grabbed the blanket off the back of my sofa, and in the same second hurled it at me with some force.   As the blanket came flying toward me, he had made his way around and behind me to the door while saying, “Cover yourself right now Tatiana!  I don’t know how to make this any clearer:  we are never going to have sex, ever!  You are like a sister to me, and that is how I will always feel about you.  From now on, we will only talk in a public place, so be serious about getting help should you think about calling me again.”

The door slammed shut and I was left cuddling a blanket.  The voices exploded in my head.  I now could sympathize with Dennis when I told him earlier that day that nothing was ever going to happen between us.  I had never been turned down ever, and it was always the one thing I could count on, a man’s desire for sex, especially, hot unbidden sex that came without any strings.  I was like a sister; where did that come from?  Dammit, this is from all that time he spent with my mom.

There was still one very large problem I needed to deal with tonight, and Samuel wasn’t my answer.  I grabbed my cell and dialed the one person I knew would come without hesitation.

“Dennis, this is Tatiana.  I know I told you that we were never getting together, as I am not really ready for any kind of commitment, but I am struggling with the news about my mom today, and I really don’t want to be alone tonight.  Can you come over?”

“Tatiana, as tempting as that is, I don’t know that coming over and spending time with you would be a good thing.  If I am going to be able to get on with my life, I can’t just come over and spend a night with you here and there.  I need more than that, I deserve more than that according to you.”

“Dennis, I know what I said to you this morning.  I have been under a lot of stress with my mom, and I didn’t want to be unfair to you as far as a permanent relationship goes.  I can’t promise that right now, or even when I could promise it.  I understand if you want to move on, but I am hoping that you can give me this one night at least.  Please Dennis, I really don’t want to be alone.”

There was silence on the other end of the line.  I knew he was debating on whether to stay firm or come over.  “Dennis, I really want to put all this stress behind me, and I don’t want to have to go to a bar.  Besides, I’m already naked.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”  The call ended abruptly.  I could imagine the squeal of his tires as he backed out of his parking spot and sped over to my house of pleasure.  A smile broke out as I dropped the blanket and headed to the fridge for another beer.  Dennis was in for the night of his life, he deserved that much at least.