The Alpha Female

FOURTEEN: HAVE FAITH IN ME

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: HAVE FAITH IN ME

            “I don’t think you understand the seriousness of this situation...” I told myself as I walked to the edge of the tall rock outcrop that protruded over the river.  “Now do you Suka?” I shook my head, looking out over the rushing black waters.  It was mid spring, but nothing was green and pretty.  Everything was dead. 

            My eyes trailed their way over to the opposite bank. 

            “It’s too much work, too much worry.  I can’t just withdraw, give the power to someone else.  Darach wouldn’t have it.” I shook my head left to right and back to center.  “No he wouldn’t.  I can’t just…die though.” My eyes fell back on the water, watching it churn in a dark brew.  “Shifters call on spirits…what if they called on you dead girl, huh?  What if they called on your spirit for an explanation?  I won’t let that happen, I cannot.”  The water was roaring now, creating a sweeping echo over the once quiet world.

            “No one can call on what isn’t there.” I stepped over the edge.

            “Suka!” I snapped awake at the sound of my voice, sitting up promptly in the circular chair as my head rammed into something hard. “Shi-” Mason started as he staggered back a step, rubbing his forehead.  I fell back in my bed, letting out a shaky sigh of relief.  It was just a dream, nothing but another nightmare.  I had slept too long.

            Tears were burning in my eyes and I desperately tried to wipe at them.  I couldn’t let the human see me like this, even if Mason seemed different, different than the hunters, than the men dressed in plaid who tried so hard to damage my pack.  My pack.

            A new wave of fear came over me.  My pack was still without me, I almost left my pack.  My breath started to come in gasps, but Mason was there almost instantaneously as he pulled me in for a tight hug.  Despite his overwhelmingly human scent I buried my face into his chest as he tried to comfort me, rubbing circles on my back.  I was beta, I didn’t need to be comforted.  My own father wouldn’t dare give me a hug.  I had grown tough by myself.  I had grown tough alone.

            “Shh, shh.” Mason cooed as he held me to him, dry and warm.  “It’s okay Suka, it was just a bad dream.” My hands pressed up against his bare chest, shaking as I tried to catch my breath.  I didn’t know what had come over me, never before had I thought of leaving my pack, of taking myself away from them forever, they were my friends and my family, they needed me.  How could I even think of something like that?

            “It’s okay…it’s okay.  I’m here, you’re okay Suka.” But I wasn’t okay.  I was crying in the arms of a human.  I had tried to erase myself from my pack in my dream.  I was furious.

            I shoved Mason away. 

            “Don’t touch me,” I growled.  I didn’t deserve to be touched.  I should be punished for the thoughts running around in my head.  I was insane to believe that I would be just fine in the company of a human, it was corrupting my mind. 

            I ran a quivering hand through my now soft brown hair.  I was even beginning to smell like them.  It was sickening, unheard of, anger worthy, I was- I nearly gagged, feeling my wolf growing in me.  No, not now, anytime but now.

            “Suka?” Mason asked lightly.  I couldn’t, not with a human here.  For the first few moments after a change wolves were free spirits.  My wolf could hurt him.  I had to get away. 

            I shot up to my feet, running across the room even as my left ankle shot bolts of pain up my leg.  A pained scream threatened to break from my lips, and I let out nothing more than an angered whimper.  I was a bad person.