370 days in a year

Remembering and regretting

Uncertain hands hovered over the doorknob separating him and the person lying on the pristine white bed beyond the door. Kururugi Suzaku was torn between just entering the room or turning away and leaving like he had done so many times before. He wanted to go in, wanted to see with his own eyes that it wasn't just a cruel joke that Lelouch vi Britannia was alive.

Lelouch vi Britannia, because Lelouch Lamperouge was never really there in the first place. The determination to live, the will to succeed, the power to prevail. Those were what defined Lelouch vi Britannia. He stopped being Lelouch Lamperouge when he discarded the mask of Zero away. When he led the loyal Order of the Black Knights under no disguise and pretense. He was Lelouch vi Britannia when he was still followed and hailed despite his bloodline.

Suzaku let his hand fall to his sides, unable to bring himself to open the door. Just when he was about to turn around, a gloved hand went past him, turned the knob and pushed the door open. Suzaku looked up to see Gino Weinberg's unreadable eyes looking down at him in annoyance.

"Go in if you want to see him that much and stop being a goddamn coward," Gino reprimanded.

Wars changed people, Suzaku noted. The Gino that he first knew was a joyful young man, carefree even in the battlefield. Still, human beings have a limit as to how much deceit and lies they could take in before everything crumbles to bring them down to a reality where pristine white is blotched by dark blots.

When he didn't respond, Gino huffed and pushed him roughly through the open door. Suzaku's breath caught in his throat at the sight he was presented with. Lelouch looked like he was sleeping peacefully on the royal bed. He could as well be if not for the occasional beeping sound of the heart monitor and the IV that was constantly seeping through his punctured flesh.

He wondered if Lelouch ever looked that peaceful in his sleep.

"I knew him when I was a kid," Gino broke the silence, keeping his eyes on Lelouch. Suzaku didn't see it coming. He tried to picture a young Lelouch and a young Gino, but all he came up with was the young Lelouch he knew when he was young.

"He was really kind, you know. I heard from other noble kids that he was just another stuck up prince, so when my father brought me along to the palace, I sneaked around to see if I could see him. And being the idiot that I was, I fell into the pond in the garden," Gino recounted his memory, eyes softened. "His Highness found me and helped me out. He even fetched a towel for me."

Suzaku watched the steady rise and fall of Lelouch's chest in something akin to relief and happiness. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you need to know you're not the only one who's regretting and remembering."

And then Gino was gone, leaving Suzaku alone with Lelouch in the empty room where the latter kept his eyes closed to the world.

"Regret..." The word tasted bitter on the tip of his tongue, yet it rang true in his ears.

"When will you wake up?"

The heart monitor continued beeping, as if telling Suzaku "Soon! Soon!" repeatedly in the daunting silence.