370 days in a year

Tears

On the anniversary of Euphemia's death, Lelouch could not be found anywhere. They tried his room, the library, the garden, everywhere Lelouch would usually spend his time. Schneizel all but firmly ordered his Knights of Rounds to search for Lelouch and ensure his safety. It was the first time Suzaku saw Schneizel in such a distressed state. The young Emperor looked about ready to break down with worry.

"Did you find him?" Gino asked Suzaku when they met each other in one of the many hallways. Suzaku shook his head in exasperation. They listed down all the places they had gone to in search of Lelouch, 60 percent of which covered the exterior of the palace. Maybe it would be best to search for him from within the palace itself.

It was already evening when they reported back to Schneizel, empty handed. Schneizel was about to join in the search when Cornelia entered the throne room with Nunnally.

"We found him," Cornelia stated. "But I think we should let him be for the time being."

"Where is he?" Schneizel almost barked, anxiety and relief mixed together in his command.

Cornelia did not answer. She led them to where she claimed to have found Lelouch instead. It took three turns before everybody noticed that they were going down the hallways leading to the personal quarters of the royal family.

A beautiful yet haunting melody filled the air, rendering them immobile and stunned where they stood. That was when Cornelia insisted they go back to the throne room and leave Lelouch alone.

"That's..."

"Sister Euphie's favourite piece," Nunnally finished it for Schneizel.

Cornelia's eyes softened as memories overtook her. "The same one he played on her 5th birthday."

Schneizel cast a forlorn look at the door leading to Euphemia's room. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he turned around, motioning for everyone to follow him back to where they were. Cornelia was right. It was best to let Lelouch be alone for a while.

Suzaku, however, did not move an inch from where he stood and Schneizel knew better than to order him to leave. They left him there, knowing Suzaku would not let any harm to come to Lelouch. Slowly, Suzaku took soft, tentative steps towards the enormous white door to the late princess' room. He pushed the door open to let himself in, only to be greeted with Lelouch's back facing him and a louder melody as the prince carefully let the bow caress the strings.

Lelouch's hand stopped playing upon hearing the sharp intake of Suzaku's breath. Suzaku himself was surprised at his own gasp. The dimly lit room bathed in silence, as if time suddenly stood still around them.

"Lelouch," Suzaku called out the prince name with a small trace of Japanese accent he still had after all the years. He watched as Lelouch turned around slowly to meet his gaze. Again, there was the expectant look on his face that Suzaku was never able to interpret. It was hard to imagine this frail, young man as the same person who led an ocean of army to victory - to the truth beyond the truth that no one ever thought existed. It was hard to imagine that once, Suzaku had thought of this frail young man who only wished for a small taste of happiness as a cold-hearted murderer.

He blinked and noticed Lelouch's eyes no longer met his own. The latter was looking at the room; the light-yellow rug resembling a large plush sunflower, the cabinet where fancy boxes housing various trinkets lined the shelves, the nightstand where photos in fancy frames stood watching the bed, a small corner of the room where the walls were decorated with framed children's paintings slightly yellowed by age... Suzaku realised with a sudden jolt that these must have been what was left of the traces of life Lelouch once had. Of him and Euphemia and Nunnally, and everyone else. A woman whose face he almost forgot once told him:

"You don't know how hard he cried when he realised the only way to stop her was to kill her."

Suzaku was an idiot. Lelouch had known Euphemia all his life. They grew up together, played together, laughed and cried together like good children would. Perhaps, Lelouch had always treasured all of his siblings like he treasured Nunnally. Perhaps, Lelouch had wanted to protect Euphemia too - wanted her to see the 'kinder world' he swore to build for Nunnally too. To be forced to kill someone who meant a lot to you...

The violin sang again. Suzaku let the tears fall from his eyes. When Euphemia died, he had cried for her and hated the one who killed her. This time, this moment, Suzaku didn't cry for her. He cried for Lelouch and for himself, for being too blinded by rage to think that he was not the only one who suffered the blow of her death. Lelouch had suffered when he pulled the trigger, and Suzaku had added to his suffering with his words.

He closed the distance between them and embraced Lelouch like a lover, tightly as if he feared Lelouch would disappear if he didn't hold on strong enough. The violin and the bow in Lelouch's hand fell to the floor with a resounding clang. He turned in Suzaku's embrace and touched the man's tear-stricken face. Suzaku blinked his tears away; Lelouch was giving him such a sad and remorseful look that Suzaku felt like yelling aloud that he was not crying because of Euphemia. And then Lelouch hugged him and buried his face into Suzaku's white uniform.

On the slightly dusty table in Euphemia's room, words written in black ink over a white piece of paper fluttered as soft breeze came through the half-open windows. The name 'Euphemia' was beautifully scripted in calligraphy that could only have been crafted by a deft and graceful hand of a prince. The paper was the only sign of warmth left in the abandoned room.

They stayed in that position until Lelouch fell asleep in exhaustion. Suzaku carried him back to his room and guarded his sleep like a knight that he was to a prince who had his loyalty.

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The 310th day since I woke up in the palace,

I woke up at 4.30am today. I had a dream, but I couldn't remember what it was all about.

All I know now is that I'm still alive and my chest burns.

My heart hurts.

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