Alysa's diary

Anxiety

Hi,

I've been struggling with anxiety most my whole life. When I was 6 I was rushed to the hospital because I puked so much I could barely eat a single pea due to anxiety over a stupid Christmas program I sang in.
When I was 9 I began having heart problems and murmurs due to high anxiety levels at home.
When I was 11 I was rushed to the hospital due to insane stomach pains which caused me to poop blood due to me over thinking about a grade 6 math quiz.
When I was 14 I was rushed once again because I had a panic attack due to extreme sadness and me not being able to breathe anymore.
This summer I almost passed out because my dog bit someone else's backpack and I was the only one who knew about it and I was hyperventilating due to so much anxiety I basically blacked out until I woke up the next morning.

Thinking about it now, I ranted a lot to my friends about my problems, which I realize is now pretty weird and that half of them probably made fun of me back then.

It's probably stupid how I'm ranting to an Internet diary for everyone else to read but I'm kind of just finding someone else out there with similar problems with me.

Im caught up on so much school anxiety and it sucks so much because I have one day left till holiday break.

I'm angry because last year my science mark was a 95 and as of right now I'm averaging a 70%

I'm angry because I barely have enough time to study and when I do have time to study I just sleep and never get out of bed.

I find myself in this constant warp, I quit sports because of work, I skipped going to church because of work, I can barely go Christmas shopping because of work.

And what is stupid about me is I'm attached to all the people I work with that I can't quit. I don't want to.

My rooms always a mess. And it's stressing me out. I have a bunk bed for Christs sake and I don't want it in my room. Every morning I hit the top bunk with my forehead and when I sleep on the top bunk I hot my head on my ceiling fan.

I have 3 desks in my room.
1 my dad bought from the Salvation Army which two days later to purchase each drawer had broken and left all my clothes in this big pile.

I'm stressed of my laundry piling up and up.

I'm angry at my science teacher for not being able to spell correctly. Or make tests correctly. Or teach correctly. Or MARK MY ASSIGNMENTS CORRECTLY. OR READ MY ANSWERS PROPERLY.

I'm stressed about my hair being so long and heavy. That I have to wash it every day because it literally catches smells and touches floors bending down and has knots.

I'm stressed that I'm not aloud to use my phone at school and people thinking I'm lyINg THAT I DONT HAVE ONE.

IM anGRy that my own dad doesn't eVEN TALK TO ME.

I'm angry that my family is falling apart. That my family is broken. That my family all secretly hate eachother and are too stubborn  to talk. That we all just make it look like we're happy to others while we arenT.

I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETG BUILDING UP UGH.

I'm sorry you wasted your time reading this.