It hurts sometimes. When there's something you don't want to let go of, but it want to let go of you. I still felt the pain in my heart, I couldn't help breathing heavily and wanting to just die for a little bit. The words pierced my soul. The words were like daggers in my heart now. my heart-
"HEY HEY! MEL!" someone said and bought me back to life. Whoever it was had strong arms. They leaned me up and helped me to my feet that I was aware I was off of.
"Whoa, thanks...uh..."
"You could've been badly hurt right there. Gotta watch what you're doing. Like the fifth time this week Mel."
"Really?" I asked as if I was concerned, "I really didn't notice," I looked at the boy and realized that he wasn't ugly at that moment. I mean we'd been friends since the beginning of college. He'd always been nice to me and really sweet. He was tall and linky with jet black hair and the most gorgeous green eyes I'd ever seen. But....I couldnt remember my name...or anyhing for that matter. Everything was fading. But his eyes, whoever he was, sparkled when he looked into your eyes. But I wasn't ready to fall hard again...or fall ever at all. My friends and family told me it wasn't good. So, naturally, good looking guys don't even faze me anymore. I really don't care.
"Haha," the boy said sarcastically, "well, if you're badly hurt Mel...I mean it's a bit out of my way...but I could take you to the hospital my dad works at. You're hearts beating really fast Mel."
"Well thanks, but I'm fine," I said, yanking my arm away while Lance tried to hold it. Boys were all the same. They played the same games and tricks and then they just took your heart and played with it until they found someone new to screw over.
"Please Mel, you've been doing this since the beginning of the year, lemme help..."
That's all I heard before I was in a big hospital room. Lance was hanging over my bed, and all I did was cry. I don't know how long or why or...I just...I just cried.
"Mel, dad said that you had a heart attack."
"I....I" I couldn't even speak I was crying so hard, but I tried to finish anyway, "I...I hate...."
"Who'dya hate?" Lance said, brushing my hair out of my eyes, while he looked right into mines, grabbing at my thigh.
"I hate....life" I finally mustered out. After this, Lance got up from the chair he was in and into the bed with me and hugged me soothingly, just like my mother would've done if she was still around...well around in my life at least.
"Why? What could anyone ever do to such a beautiful girl to hurt her so bad?" Lance said after I calmed down. The same crap. Every boy uses every pick up line known to man to make girls fall for them. It's actually sad. Men call it the Flintstone effect, women call it scum. I didn't ...I mean I wasn't ready to fall in love again...can't even call what I first felt for Kyle love. Kyle and love...they just shouldn't be used in the same sentence. I told Lance the story of my life, and it went a bit like this...
Well, I was born in a small town in a part of Kansas that no one even cared about-
"Well, I care, where was it Mel?"
"It was Kissime," I said, and he nodded and smiled at me. I kept going. So, all I know about my dad is that he left my mom. Then, when I was around 7 years old, my mom became strung out on drugs. I don't know why, and quite frankly don't care, but she just left me, her own flesh and blood, for drugs. I probably have over a million half brothers and sisters. She sleeps with all these men to be able to afford the drugs. It makes me sick to talk about it...like literally, I started throwing up and Lance held a bucket, lifted my hair out my face, and rubbed my back. I really didn't like this. He was flirting with me and he barely knew me, we just met this year...or maybe he's just genuinely concerned about people...I mean when I was sleep, or well..."sleep" I saw him give a girl a lollypop when they were prepping her for surgery. He patted her head and kissed her cheek. It was so so adorable. And then I hated myself for thinking he was adorable. Everyone I love, everyone I even begin to like...always hurt me.
When I was 7, I basically began to live on my own. Well...my aunt took me in. My aunt was in good health and took me everywhere I wanted until I was around 14. Her health started failing. Uncle Joe and I were taking care of her more than she was taking care of herself. On my fifteenth birthday, she died and Kyle came along. I told Lance everything me and Kyle did...even how and why we broke up.
~
"Baby, I love you," Kyle was saying to me, kissing me and not letting me speak. I couldn't. We were intertwined with each other. I loved it. Then, Kyle took it too far. I remember having a knit sweater on and pants. Then suddenly, all I had on was a tank top and my underpants. I opened my eyes and realized what was happening.
"NOT AGAIN YOU B-" Kyle hit me. He hit me hard. I showed Lance the huge bruise on my side where he hit me.
"He hit you for not having sex with him? What an a-"
"I don't like curse words...they...I don't know...I guess people curse at me are the ones who leave me."
"I...I'm sorry Melanie," Lance said, scratching the back of his head in the cutest way. I couldn't help but tell him it's fine, it's nothing really, "Mel?" he said again, finding his eyes to meet with mines
"Yea?" I said, trying not to look in his perfection of green eyes because he had me falling for him and I was putting my defenses up, I really didn't want to fall in love.
"Finish your story."
Well, I finished. I told him how after that, Kyle asked for me back one time and that was all it took. Kyle and I were together for 2 years after that. He beat on me sometimes for not having sex with him. Then, one day, he...well it's hard to explain. He said stuff...he didn't even hit. That's the funny part, I tell Lance, that the words Kyle said to me that day...hurt me more then anything he did to me.
"Mel, you don't gotta tell me."
"No...I don't know how you did it, but you opened me up. This is the first time in a while that I've been able to tell anyone about my past. They've been trying to do it for months on end, but you....it takes you a few minutes, and you got me."
"Alright Mel, whatever you say. If you want to stop, tell me?"
"I will," I say, smiling weakly to show I was strong and Lance smiles back at me.
Anyway, I continued. So Kyle was with me for the holidays. Uncle Joe let him stay over sometimes because Kyle was protection. He beat up lots of kids at school for messing with him, how he got his bad boy rep.
"Babe?" I remember Kyle saying and him breathing down my neck with his cigarette breath. I was never fond of cigarettes or him smoking them, but every time I said something, he'd hit me.
"Mel, why the hel..heck didn't you get away from him?! Hittin on you like that should be a crime!"
"Well you hit on me the same way. Just...just not physically. You're mentally hitting on me!"
"YOU CAN'T CALL A GIRL BEAUTIFUL IN THIS TOWN WITHOUT HER SWEARING THAT YOU'RE HITTING ON THEM! NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN ABLE TO CALL A GIRL BEAUTIFUL IN THIS TOWN. YA KNOW WHY I CALLED YA BEAUTIFUL MELANIE?! HUH? BECAUSE I THINK YA ARE! IT'S MY OPINION! IT'S HOW I WAS RAISED! I WAS RAISED TO COMPLIMENT AND NEVER SAY BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE YA KNOW!?"
Lance was getting scary. I felt my body twitching...the feelings I got when Kyle was about to hit me came back and I started crying again and huddled myself in a little ball on the bed. When Lance tried to touch me I flinched. I didn't want to be hit again. I wanted out.
"Awh Mel...I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."
"Leave me alone..." I said, crying into the pillow. I didn't care how hot Lance was, or how perfect and strong he was, I was mad at him and I was scared. Does everyone have that monster? That monster that bubbles up inside you when someone tells you you're wrong? That monster Kyle had? The one my mama has? The one my aunt has? That monster...that monster that kills you...kills everyone...do we all have that monster inside us? What was that monster?
