The Woman In Me

Barren Womb

'Infertility is not only a physical ailment, but also a psychological and social problem.'

Why is it a physical ailment?

Infertility in a woman can occur due to numerous medical conditions. What makes it more of a physical malady is ascertaining the cause and treatment of infertility. The emotional roller coaster of treatment that follows months after months and year after a year. Blood tests, pills, daily hormone injections, ultrasounds, egg retrievals, and surgery are physically draining. There's so many instruments up a woman's body it becomes painful and embarrassing. Having a woman's most private details of marriage and body discussed with a group of strangers (meaning doctor's) isn't exactly easy. In some cases, the cause of infertility is never verified.
For me, it is a plain torture, a disease which can't be seen becomes the basis of my existence, of my body and my womanhood!

Why is it a psychological problem?

The law of nature has inherited a woman with the duty to reproduce. Planning to surprise her husband by 'the good news', having that protruding baby bump, experiencing morning sickness and labour pain are supposedly every woman's dream. When those dreams are shattered by fertility problems a woman reaches a dead end.

"It was crushing to know that my body couldn't do something I had always just assumed it would. I felt betrayed by my body, like less of a woman for being unable to do what it was designed to do."
- Unknown

"My body failed me for so many years. It had betrayed me over and over by not performing such a basic function."
- Unknown

A vacuum starts enveloping and hovering on the basis of her womanhood. She feels an assault on her ability to self-actualize. It's the death of one's anticipated and imagined life and has great psychological repercussions. It affects and cripples her identity. For some women, motherhood is a large part of their self-image as a female. For others, it's their highest ambition. The bailiwick of emotions and stress starts ruining her health, body, relationships and her LIFE.

Why is it a social issue?

We live in an incredibly pronatal society where a girl is raised with the notion to procreate one day.

First and most obviously, there is the disruption to the expected developmental shift to parenthood. Women begin to imagine themselves as mothers long before actually trying to have children. And this is certainly influenced by implicit cultural and societal messages that idealise motherhood. From the first baby doll to the last baby shower, girls and women are surrounded by images and expectations from parents, peers, religion, advertising, and the media. Our culture is not replete with images of fathering in the same way it is with description of women as mothers. Unlike women, men aren't reminded on a monthly basis of their fertility. They aren't pressurized in the same way to become fathers. A woman of childbearing age is often bombarded with reminders that she is not a 'member of the club.'

The experience of infertility is in itself demanding and painful without the added layer of stigma and shame. The surmountable stigma and shame makes it harrowing for a woman to walk with her head high.

"There is so much shame with infertility, which is compounded for those that were raised in an environment of shame, secrets, and/or unresolved childhood trauma."

Also, society often fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so people denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation.

'Better be a mud than a barren woman'
This is how infertility is seen in India.

If the woman has the physical fitness and the meritorious luck to bear his children, the family was a fortunate one. Villagers always looked at sterility with a squinted eye, and its fault and the misfortune lay solely on the woman's part. As such, a childless woman often became culprit for her entire life.

To be childless in India is a curse. Woman are made to do the rounds of temples, give up smoking as a penance, conduct havans, pujas and pilgrimages. One woman, who married into a small community of goldsmiths in Bikaner, was repeatedly shown to local 'babajis' (saints), beaten with peacock feathers, forced to go on fasts, plant flags in strange places and even feed a particular black dog with a chapaati (wheat bread) for a month. Many contemplate suicide, divorce or remarriage. They're considered inauspicious to the family. She is barred to enter from any religious function, marriage or birthdays.

How it ensnares her personal relationships?

Infertility is a medical condition that can touch every aspect of a woman's life - from the way she feels about herself, to her relationship with her partner, to her overall perspective on living. It creates a great deal of uncertainty and emotional upheaval in a couple's day-to-day world. A man may be feeling similar frustration and disappointment as he and his partner go through yet another treatment and yet another month without a pregnancy.
While undergoing treatment, many couples tend to live in month-to-month cycles of hope and disappointment that revolve around ovulation calendars and menstruation. As they navigate a tight schedule of tests and treatments, they place their lives on hold - postponing vacations, putting off education, and short-circuiting their careers. Others find that the sorrow, anger, and frustration that can come with prolonged fertility problems invade every area of life.

Yet this crisis also forces couples to engage in self-reflection, to be vulnerable, and to develop a deeper mutual empathy and appreciation for each other. It is truly an opportunity to foster tremendous emotional intimacy and commitment despite the painful ups and downs. Still, not everyone gets through infertility with their marriage intact

Infertility also can impact a woman's relationship with other family members. Even in a strong family dynamic, the infertile woman may experience painful changes. For instance, the woman's parents may give more attention to her siblings with children or the infertile woman may now be out of sync with siblings as developmental stages are no longer shared.

There maybe significant shifts in friendships. Many women experienced a lack of empathy and support, and insensitivity from close friends she says. Resulting in strained or broken friendships.

Infertility is swept under the rug. NOT talked about, NOT recognised and definitely not given the same attention. The reason people don't understand infertility is because we don't talk about it. We are embarrassed, ashamed, angry or depressed which makes us clam up. Just because it's not life threatening doesn't mean it's not life changing. There's advocacy, education, fundraising walk, etc for every disease under the sun..except infertility. Can you imagine people lining up for an infertility walk?

For me, fertile or infertile, I'm enthralled by what a woman's body can do. Irrespective whether it's performing it's 'reproducing duty', I'm in awe of what God has bestowed a woman with..and will always be!

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A/N - After researching and reading about 50 articles, blogs and posts, I still feel I haven't made justice to this topic. I think I wrote with my subconscious mind in head, that kept popping and saying you've left this point and that.
I dedicate this to @lkrice for reasons we both know about each other.