Cousin Love (A Vampire Diaries fanfiction)

Chapter Four

I looked around frantically. Then I noticed....my Jer-bear and the Italian mobsters were gone!!!

"Oh no!" I shrieked. "They're gone."

"Relax." Herbert shot me with a paintball. Well, somone's not getting anymore cocaine. "They're just in the back. I put them to work making food because they were scaring the customers."

"Good job, Herb." Damon patted Herbert's shoulder. "Way to stand up for yourself."

Stefan went and got all the mobsters and Jeremy. I ran into his arms and licked his face. "I was so worried about you little cousin!" I gushed.

"Give us the baby!" The lead mobster grabbed Katherine out of Damon's hands and they all ran out of the door. Not two minutes later Damon paled and fell to his knees. "Nooooo!" He shouted.

I patted his shoulder. "That was a bit delayed, bro."

"You don't understand." He slapped me with a duck.

I shook my finger at Damon.  "Oh, Damon.  It's you who doesn't understand.  I know all.  So how could I not get something?"

Damon stood up and shook me violently.  Jer-Bear got all defensive and slapped Damon.  It was hot like an oven.  I never  knew Jer-Bear  had that strong of feelings for me already.  I thought he was still drawing creepy pictures of his dead ex-girlfriends.

"Oh, Jer-Jer, I never knew you loved me so much!" I said, swooning at him.

Damon snorted at us.  He reminded me of a pig.  A smexy pig.  "Shut up, you two incesting twits!  We have more important matters on our hands!  I just realized that if we stole baby Katherine, Stefan and I would never become vampires.  I'd never get to live old and hot for forever!"

"Damon," Jeremey said, patting him on the shoulder, "you were never hot.  You may be deceivingly young, but you are definitely not attractive."

Jacob popped out of nowhere and slapped Jeremy.  "How would you know?  Are you attracted to . . . guys like me?"  Jacob wiggled his eyebrows at Jeremy, running his hand down his arm seductively.

"Ew!  Oh gosh, ew!" Jeremey screamed.  "Elena, save me from his gayness!"

Oh my gosh!  Jeremy wanted me to save him!  I'm like his savior now.

I charged at Jacob and tackled him to the floor.  I started to bite at him and drool over him, but suddenly Edward knocked me to the floor.

"Don't touch my Jakey-poo!" Edward screamed in my face.

"Edward Cullen?" I gasped.  "When did you get here?"

"Long enough to see it all," Edward snapped, his gaze flickering to Stefan.  He made a violent punching gesture with his hands.  Stefan gulped and looked away.

Damon sighed.  "Okay, besides the fact that Stefan and I may suddenly disappear forever because of our horrible time traveling mistake, what is going on here?  Edward, I thought we told you to stay in Forks with that whiny little brat of yours - Belly-dancer was her name, I think?"

"It's Bella," Edward and Jacob said at the same time.

They narrowed their eyes at each other before running towards each other and hugging wildly.

Stefan threw his hands into the air.  "Okay, now I'm confused.  I thought we had something, Jacob!"

"You just wanted me for my shirtlessness," Jacob grumbled.  "Edward wants me for me.  I can't believe it took me so long to realize that Edward is the man for me."

"But what about Belly-dancer?!" demanded Damon.  "Is she single now?  Can I have her?"

No one paid attention any attention to Damon, however, because they were watching Stefan prepare a noose to hang himself.

"What are you doing, Stefan?" Jacob cried. I guess he still cared about Stefan a little bit.

"You don't love me, Jacob. I just can't bear it." Stefan said, standing on a chair and putting the noose around his neck. "Goodbye world." He jumped off the chair and hung there for a few seconds, before realizing he was a vampire thus he couldn't die by hanging himself.

"Well...." Jeremy scratched his head. "This is awkward."

"Shut up Jeremy." Stefan growled and shot him with an AK-47.

"No." I screamed, but it was too late. Jeremy was dead.

And then in waddled a duck.

 

Author's note:

I milked someone's legs today. It was a stranger. pah me.