Dementophobia • tyler joseph •

isle of flightless birds // entry

July 23rd, 2013

Courtney and I have basically been inseparable ever since she started sitting in the cafeteria with Pete, Billie, and I. During my free time, I show up at her room and just ask her to take a walk with me. She always nods and I learned on those walks that she hadn't seen most of the hospital. That just fascinated me. The moment I stepped foot in this hospital I explored every inch of it aside from the insane ward, which is what Courtney was sadly in.

The walk we took today was around ten p.m and that was because I wanted to take her up to the roof to see the stars. I figured that she hasn't been outside in a long time because she was as pale as a ghost. We had to go up two flights of stairs to get to the roof and Courtney had to stop and rest halfway up because of the lack of exercise she's had. 

I had to talk Mr. Baker into letting her and I go to a park or something with a supervisor. It would do her some good to see the sun and maybe even drink some Starbucks. 

We finally reached the roof and Courtney's mouth dropped open in amazement as she looked up at the stars. She looked like a little kid at Christmas.

"I don't remember the stars being this pretty," she remarked as we made our way over to the edge of the roof.

"You don't remember because you really didn't appreciate them until now," I explained. "I feel that way about my family now."

Courtney sighed, wrapping her arms around her small body. She was shivering slightly and I didn't think about the fact that her body wasn't accustomed to cold. I pulled my skeleton hoodie off and offered it to her. She gratefully took it with a small smile.

"You miss your family?"

I nodded. "When I lived with them, I wished every minute of everyday that they could just get out of my life. I was sick of being raised in a religious family and I was sick of the pressure of being a upcoming basketball star. My parents weren't making it any better and they didn't understand that I loved music and that was what I wanted to do with my life. Instead, they stayed focused on basketball."

I looked down at my lap. "I told my mom I wanted to be a basketball player when I was still homeschooled and she made me take five hundred shots every single day in the backyard. If I got closer to the basket and made lay-ups, she didn't count them. She'd knock on the back window near the kitchen and point to the three-point line. I had to be done before dinner, and if I wasn't, I wasn't allowed to eat."

My face took on a look of longing. "I do miss my brothers and sister though. I'm the oldest, but I guess I'm not the best role model, huh," I chuckled.

Courtney snuggled farther into my jacket. "I'm sorry, Tyler. You sounded very unhappy at home."

I shook my head. "Enough about me. What was your family like?"

"My dad is in the military. I haven't seen him in a very long time and I really miss him. I also really miss my siblings. I have two older brothers and a younger sister and they always seem happy to see me when they come and visit. My mother is the only person I don't miss."

"Her and I have never been close and she ended up lying to me to get me in this place. She told me that we were going out for ice cream, but in reality, she was taking me here. I don't think I could ever forgive her for that."

Courtney's voice crackled multiple times and I couldn't tell if it was her getting choked up or that was actually her voice.

I wanted to wrap my arm around her figure, but I knew she was uncomfortable with human contact, so I didn't even bother to try. I wouldn't be able to deal with her pushing me off.

"Do you think it's hard being a parent?" Courtney wondered.

"It has to been one of the hardest jobs in the world," I responded honestly. "When you have a child, you want them to be happy and healthy. You want them to be a good person, you want them to think your a good parent. Normally, none of that happens."

"You have to take them to doctor's appointments if they get sick and there's some times where you need to tell them no which causes them to be unhappy for awhile. However, the worst part probably has to be the teenage rebellion that happens because as a parent you begin to wonder if you went wrong somewhere in raising your child, but it's really just your kid wanting to be an adult."

Courtney sat in silence for a moment. She seemed like the wheels were turning in her mind, trying to figure out how to respond in words. What she said was not what I expected.

"I really don't think I'll be a good mother," she confessed. "I don't think I'll find someone willing to have a baby with me anyway."

I grinned at her, slowly reaching my hand out to grab hers. Courtney jumped slightly at first, but hesitantly relaxed. "You are going through your teenage girl phrase. Trust me, it won't last forever. Every girl thinks they will be a bad mother or no one for will ever love them. They always end up being wrong."

She looked down at her lap, her blonde hair falling across her face. I couldn't help but wonder how she would react if I just leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. It wasn't like I was trying to go for a full blown kiss. I just was curious to know how she would react. Would she run away or be okay with it?

Only one way to find out.

I leaned forward as Courtney still looked down at her lap. It was just going to be a quick peck on the cheek, nothing major. But next thing I knew she must of have felt me getting closer because her head darted up and she turned to look at me.

And instead of my lips hitting her cheek, they hit her right on the mouth. The kiss lasted a second at the most because I ended up pulling back fairly quickly in embarrassment. Courtney stared at me, her mouth a gap,

"Uh, um," she stuttered.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out. "That was not how it was supposed to go."

"It's- it's okay," she muttered. "It's just that nobody's kissed me in years and I don't know what I feel anymore towards people and- I don't know where I'm going with this."

She kept opening her mouth and closing it, trying to find the right words. "Courtney, it's okay. I understand. I don't even know what I was thinking when I did that. I'm so sorry."

The younger girl shook her head. "Don't be sorry. That's the weird part, Tyler. I didn't mind it."

My eyes widened. "Wait, you didn't? I thought you didn't like me like that."

"I don't," she admitted. "It's just- I don't know. I'm confused."

I took another risk and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, pulling me against my side. "Courtney, don't be confused at all. I understand and I really am sorry for kissing out of the blue, okay? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, so let's just forget about it."

"Alright," she whispered, leaning her head against my shoulder. Her body was still stiff, like she was on guard, but she didn't shy away at my touch.

"You know what, Courtney," I said after a few seconds of silence.

"What, Tyler?"

"I'm going to start calling you Chocolate."

"Um, why?"

"Because you are incredibly sweet."

Tyler Joseph, entry number I'm trying to write this fast before the lights go out of Isle of Flightless Birds.
Written on July 23rd, 2013 at 11:05 pm.

This is the last journey entry. You know the book is coming to a close once the journal entries have ended.